True Love - Part One

No, I am not a rape victim, but just like murder should not be ignored, neither should the innocents who suffer from another's selfish cause. The whole piece, which will eventually be several blog entries long, goes out to them. Tonight, this is for you.

He shoved me back against the wall. I felt him hard against my leg and he grabbed for my breasts. I hated this but I never could stop it. His breathing accelerated. I took the opportunity to look past him in a desperate search for someone who could help me. I knew there would not be. He noticed me looking behind him and he turned to see what I was looking at. I took my chance and pulled away from him. I was a faster runner than him, and I knew that if I managed to get just a few feet out of reach he would not be able to catch me.

By the time I had moved it was already too late. My moment of hesitation meant my defeat. My worn tennis shoes slipped in the layer of dirt on the sidewalk and his hand closed around my upper arm. Before I could react, his other arm grasped my wrist and twisted my right arm behind my back. I squealed in pain, the feeling in my arm was worse than anything he had done to me before. He shoved me to the ground and I heard my head hit the cement.

"Oh, now you are going to get it!" A swift kick to my stomach sent me gasping for air. He pulled me to my feet and forced me to the shed. He was the only one in his family who had the keys and it was so far out in the backyard that the irrigation ditch would muffle any sounds coming from inside. Not even a bloodcurdling scream or a gunshot could be heard above the roar of the water. He unlocked the door and shoved me into the dark interior. There was one window on the back wall that had years of dirt caked onto its surface. There were several dirty potato sacks in one corner and he threw me down on them.

"Undress yourself or I will hurt you."
"Please, stop this! I beg of you! You know this is. . ." SLAP! My body shook with his blow.
"Now."

I hurried to undress for fear of him as he shut and locked the door. The only way to unlock the door is through the key which he placed on a wooden beam above his head. He stood about two feet above my height so I realized that I could not reach the key. I looked toward the window again; the edges had nails driven into them holding them closed. I was trapped.

I was also cold, shivering out of fear and the air against my now bar skin. He took my wrists and bound them together in an efficient and rough matter. Tossing me to the ground he tied the other end of the rope to the wooden pillar above me. I did not know what to do.

What seemed like years later, I heard the zipper of his pants and the harsh rustle of plastic. I watched as the condom package wafted down to the floor. He pulled down his pants and knelt down near me. Forcing my legs apart, he entered me. It was a deep soreness that only intensified as he drove further in. My first time, and it was awful, completely evil in nature. I received no enjoyment as he continued pounding in a steady rhythm. Deep heaving sighs on my neck as he held me to him.

Minutes later he froze, letting each ejaculation flow out of him with a tremor.

After he finished he pulled away and stood up. He did not look at me. I had no idea what he planned to do with me. He removed the key from the spot above his head and unlocked the door. He gently removed the semen drenched condom from his penis and tossed it outside. Picking up my shirt, he wiped himself off. Then he pulled up his pants, buttoned and zipped them, straightened his shirt, and walked out. He shut the door behind him and I heard the door lock with a satisfied click.

I was alone.

Reflection

The person you see is not the one I know. The reflection I see is not who I am inside. If I saw myself on the street, I would be the only one not to recognize myself.

"The Prayer"-Song at My Mom's Memorial

I looked at myself today and I learned something deep and real that I had never known before. Today is the one year anniversary of my Mother's death. I have survived one year, and I have no idea at all how it was done. It was simply a nightmare that I never awoke from.

Today I woke up, and I know something that many of my peers never will. I am the luckiest girl I know, because I know suffering. I know true anguish and I have almost met death. I still crave death, but I would not bring it upon myself today.

You all do not know what it is like to survive 18 years of life being beaten down by God and lose everything, but in the end, receive it all. I feel as though I am the child who had to work harder for everything her entire life, but in the end, I am better for it.

As I kissed my hand and then put it to my Mom's gravestone tonight, I thanked God for unanswered prayers. I thanked him for each time he refused to just let me die. I thanked him for letting me hate him, for letting me turn away only to find out how true my faith was. I thanked him for making my family grow apart and grow up individually so that we could come together again tonight. I thanked him for helping Matt to choose West Point so that I would have a horrible year of solitude in which to become strong on my own. I thanked him for each and every single tear that my pain had caused me. I thanked him for every time I felt alone, every time I thought I could not go on, but did. I thanked him for saving my Mom from her pain.

Her blood is still on my hands and I wear it like a modern scarlet letter, but because of this, I will not let it happen again.

I thank God for teaching me how to love deep down inside the real me.

Today was one of the roughest days of my life, but it was the end of a year long battle. I won. There were many casualties on both sides, and we barely forced a surrender on the other side's part, but we won. I celebrate your lives tonight, my friends, my family.

I drink to you! (Dr. Pepper, unfortunately).

I am not happy with everything, and I know this feeling of satisfaction and safety will soon fade, but while it is here, I must thank you all.


In alphabetical Order
Ashley, Graham, Ian, Jacque, Jacob, Jimmy, Jolene, Justin, Kellen, Leanne, Matt, Melinda, Nathan R., and Nathan Hadsall (wherever you are), Thank you for everything! I love each and every one of you more than I can explain in words, and you have saved my life so many times I cannot even tell you. You are all my redeemers, my guides, my idols, my pillars of strength when I have none, and tonight I am in your debt.

Please call me if you ever need anything! My Cell is always on!
505-440-2203

Love,
Natalie

"In time her death will be a mystery, even to me."

These words from the movie 'Secret Window' ring true in my life.

No, I am not talking about my mother, I am talking about someone else I love. In time I will learn not to love them, and he will outgrow me and our suffering will end. In time, all of our past love will become simply that, just history. We will remember it like we remember our sixth birthday, fondly, but broken and chopped up into bits that can hardly put back together in our memory. We will not yearn for it as we do now, but instead go onto other misadventures. Other birthday parties to celebrate.

In time, I will no longer backslide, and we will be apart forever.

For now, I wait for that day.

'Write It Next to "Rape"'

Do not judge me! Do not attempt to know who I am because you have already failed! Your words stab me with their ignorance, and I grow weary of explanation. You do not have to understand, I am not going to go anywhere, I will always be here for you when you need something, but stop pretending you will return the favor! It is safer for you not to know anyway, at least this way I cannot poison you.

You Never Understand

I hate everything. I just hate it all.

I study useless facts for a man I loathe. Kellen insists on stabbing me in the back to the point where I cannot help but cry. I achieve for a Dad that just wants me off the phone so he can talk to Julia. Quintin wants in my pants, and even though I am completely sexually frustrated, I hold him back. I hate being female. I teach kids that probably hate my class. I am a jerk to all of my teachers except for Mr. V, Cappleman, and Mr. MacMurchadha and the only reason I am not a complete bitch to them is because their classes mandate silence. I keep reaching out for other people, but I just drag them down too.

Matt, you never understand. I keep having to fight for you against everyone else, they all believe that you are bad for me. To top it all, I know that we are not going to make it. I will not allow myself to have that hope, there is no point. You do not understand me now, and you will never have the opportunity to know me better.

The devils of my mind will not let up. I am plaguing myself, and I feel everyone judging me for who I am and the fact that I can never seem to focus. I have no idea how I make it through the school day, and I have even less of an idea how I manage to get my homework done on time, because I never seem to hear the assignments when the teacher gives them.

I ache, physically and emotionally.

Ian, ah Ian. You are you. I hate the fact that I know you told me, but I did not remember at all that you started again. I hate the fact that you are a hypocrite just like the rest. The same goes for you Matt.

I feel as though I cannot trust either of you, and I feel as though it does not matter.

I hate everything. I write this now and you will be hurt, I do not care.

My Mom used to beat me down, she kept me in check. While it might not have been right, it meant that I was not able to hurt anyone, but instead took hours of training on how to do to others EXACTLY what was done to me for sixteen years.

STOP HANDLING ME LIKE A FRAGILE PIECE OF GLASS. Because I want to cut you. I want to slice all of you so deep that the wound will NEVER heal! I want all of you to feel what I have to!



::gasp:: no I don't. I really don't. The evil inside of me is winning more and more these days, and I am tired of restraining myself.

I want to slip into a drugged haze and escape this world. I want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to go to sleep just like her and end this suffering tonight, but I can't. I want to take myself away from all of you.

Karen D. Rivera

She died nearly a year ago. In fact, it will be a year on Thursday. I still cannot wash the blood off my hands.

You all keep asking me what my deal is, you all want to know me deeper. The truth is, there is nothing to me. Recently, I have been told by several people the I am in beautiful. Even students I have never talked to before have told me this. I do not understand, I do not think that I ever will.

I will admit that there is nothing like the feeling I get when I know I have aroused a man. It is an adrenaline rush. I could be completely unwilling to do anything with the boy at that time, but just knowing that he aches with want of me is something I desire deeply. I feel my crisp blue eyes, reaching out, taunting another to crave me. I can soften them at will, drawing the viewer in, and then destroying them just as easily. I like being on top, making others vulnerable in my sexuality.

I am like her in that aspect. Ah Mother, I learned the tricks all too well.


::LOOKS AROUND IN INSTANTANEOUS PARANOIA::
Shhhhh! She's coming down the stairs! Shit I am not supposed to be awake! I got to go. I am so going to be grounded tomorrow, so I will talk to ya'll on Tuesday if I cannot sneak on!

Bloody Snow

She's crying again. I can't get them to shut up. He is begging to be let out in a hoarse voice that indicates he has been yelling all day in the hopes of someone hearing him while I was gone.

No one can rescue either of them. They are just like the rest and they will be buried beside them. I tell her to shut up, but she won't listen, so I kick her in the stomach. Her bruises from yesterday's beating are evident. I do not feel bad for what I have done to them, they should have been better friends.

Sharpening my knife, I run it across his skin allowing little lines of blood to appear and begin flowing. He is crying silently in the hopes that if he doesn't scream I will stop sooner. After about the tenth I go deeper. I am not getting a reaction and it is making me angrier.

She starts crying again.

I cannot contain the anger and I ram the knife into her chest. I can still hear her bloody coughs. That is how I left her.

He started screaming. He is terrified.

She is still alive and stares at me in disbelief. I spit in her face.

Human suffering is amusing.

Now I just need to decide what fun I can have with him.

I Should Have Never Let You In

Cross Country. Carnivale. Insomnia.

Things that defined me as a person, you have STOLEN! Name one thing that I do that you do not insist on doing better?

Calculator games. MY rubik's cube that started the craze at Pius. My family's activities that have become your own.

I was used and disposed. How can you love me when you don't even know me anymore???

You are just like everyone else.

I am surprised that you did not join Speech and Debate.

Even the blog, everything. You are a better version of me. You drink more coffee, sleep less, and have the more dysfunctional family. Congrats, you win. You even try less and get better grades!

I hate competing with you all the time, and I won't do it anymore.

Marlboro

Driving across the bridge I exhale and a clear shaft of smoke leaves my mouth. The windows are open on the Camaro, and I am driving too fast. The ground is wet, I am barely stopping the car from its continual hydroplane. I drink in the night. The cool summer breeze off of the river enters my lungs and I shake the ashes off the end of a dying cigarette.

I blink, imagining life is different, that I am someone new. When I open them again less than a second later, I am that new person. I have become all the things I never wanted to be, but perhaps I was them all along, I just accept them.

The disease of my lungs, my addiction to something I cannot let myself have, has become my whole life. I desire the things I cannot possibly have, but am satisfied when I get them momentarily.

The taste of liquor is in my mouth tonight, not because I have had some, but because I have not had any tonight. I still feel the past coming back in all my senses, and I am content.

Blue Tongue

Each word we swear, each syllable we utter, means something to someone, somewhere. The knowledge we impart on others, the impact we make, makes more of a difference than we will ever be able to make ourselves understand. I hold my own emotions in captivity tonight. I am tired of being what you want, I just want to be me, I just want to be free.

The more I look, the more numb I get because my efforts no longer matter. Blue tongue, blood no longer runs and I cannot feel, like rubber in my mouth, it does not matter what I say. You will hear only what you want to.

Ignorance, blinding love, takes us from the people we want to be, to the people we become. Who has ever met the person they desired of themselves?

The greats look at themselves and see inadequacy,
the mediocre looks at themselves and see only their mediocrity.
The lazy never bother to look.

What are we if we are never what we should be? We fail with each breath. Each step takes us further from the path of righteousness. I am long on my journey to defeat, and I grow weary of walking. I know you watch me tonight, so I force my legs forward.

" I don't want to be preceived the way I am,
I just want to be perceived the way I am"

Relient K's nonsensical phrasing makes sense only to those that have already felt their words ring true in their life.

Manifest of Lust

You move through the dark to my bedside, reaching out for me as your eyes adjust. I feel your wanton need as I turn on the lamp beside my bed. You perch on the edge beside me and your right arm finds its way to the bed on my left side. I sit up, our heads are close. We say nothing and our lips are only a small space away from touching. Our breathing accelerates and I reach up and stroke your cheek.

Nothing can stop this tonight, I need you like no night before. My eyes plead for you to take me, use me, anything, my body yearns for you. I know it is wrong, but I need you physically inside me tonight.

Turning my head in an instance of morality I pull you to a hug. My arms embrace you instead of my lips. Your body against mine feels restrained by clothing, and in an instant it is a forest fire. We are moving, caressing, touching and clothes are pulled off.

Soon I am next to you, we are naked, moving as one. I begin at your neck sliding down your body with my lips. You shudder as my nostrils release a shaft of air onto your skin. Laying back your head on my pillow, you are completely at my disposal. In the cool summer air floating in through the window, your nipples are hard, and I am still moving downward.

Before I go further, you are forcefully pulling me up towards your mouth. Turning, you are on top, moving into me.

Both of us gasp with the moment of connection. Further kissing, nails dig into your back and release. Our motions become one and our breathing steadies. I am aware of my family in my house, but I am not silent. My cries of ecstasy cut through the silence as I climax but you keep me there with your movements. Sweaty and in complete bliss we move apart.

I know it was wrong, and I know I have lost it all with our actions, but that moment was my reason for having survived until then. That single sin made my life worthwhile.

I come out of sleep in my own sweat. Evil apparition of my desires, you were only a dream. You have taken me from my dream and made me awake in my actions. You have aroused me fully, and I am worse then before. Ah, a woman's simple 'wet-dream.' I am exhausted, fulfilled, and hungry for more, all in the same.

The Worst Compliment

Rang true tonight, Dominic's words.

"You Fucking Whore!"

Tears down my cheeks and I burn with injury.

Ah, you will never know the pain you have caused.

That hurt more than anything else that I may have been called during my life.

Sticks and Stone's May break my Bones, but words will fuck you up royally.

A Badass

The above is what my bestfriend, Ian, clarified me as after my Speech and Debate tournament. Trying not to brush my four trophy's off as nothing I accepted his compliment. However, tonight's win was completely empty. I do not feel that I deserve anything I received tonight and the more I try to recall the rounds in which I competed, the more they seem like a dream.

My Dad does not care. I worked so hard to get my parents' attention, and now, I never will. Tonight was the best I have ever done at a tournament, but it did not matter at all.

I called home wondering if Ben and Dominic wanted to go out to dinner or whether or not I should attend the team dinner. They said they wanted to go to Twisters, so I headed home, excited that they wanted to eat at the same place that I did and wanted to hang out with me. When I reached home and changed, I discovered that they did not actually want any food at all. I am not one to eat alone. Great, I missed the team dinner for nothing.

Dominic's comments on my trophy's were generally kind, but ended with "These trophy's are kind of wack." Ben said that I was "freaking awesome." My Dad thought it was kind of cool, but I realized that it did not matter to him how I did, he never understood and he never tried to.

Great, now I am crying. Why the FUCK did I work so god damn hard for people who do not give a shit?!! I might as well sit in my room and stare at the wall for all the difference it would make.

To top it off, I could not even get a hold of Matt. I know that Ian and he love me dearly and both of them care, but it still feels like nothing when my family does not care. I appreciate their support, but I was competing for some one else's tonight, and I lost. No matter how many trophy's I win, it will never matter.

Dominic

Tonight, I came home and convinced Dominic to go to SPX with me to clean up after a fundraising dance. It was the first time we talked in a long time. Later, after we both got back home, Louie called me and we talked for a long time as well. Alex talked to me during the day and I helped him retrieve his cell phone which he had left at Molly's place. When I left the SPX parking lot this morning I paused and saw Ben's car parked in the lot near a bunch of juniors' cars. I pulled over and left him a note letting him know that I would be back to help clean up after the first dance he had run during his hs career and that I loved him dearly.

Something changed today and I realized that I would kill someone if they hurt a part of my family. Sometimes I feel badly for the way that Missy got treated after she broke up with Alex, and other times, I know that we could act no differently. We are a pack and always have been. When Alex, Ben, and I were beaten for our mistakes, or the other times when we all helped to pull the trampoline out of the pool after it blew in, when I was scared in the hospital before surgery, my family was there. When it really counts, we come together, and we would take down anyone who would dare to come near us.

Ian started taking "shake skins" at school today. Alex and Sean's creation, and despite the fact that Ian is my best-friend, I almost decked him. I was not upset at first, until I realized that no one at Pius knew that it had originated with my family. He had stolen a part of us. Even now I am upset at it and shake in rage.

My family is my everything. There are so many times where I had to give up everything for them, and I did, but nobody on the outside could understand.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TOUCH MY STUFF! I consider MY family part of my stuff. If someone hurt Dominic in any way I would remove one of their arms if not kill them. I told him that tonight, and he knew I meant it.

I love them dearly. You will never know what the walls of my room know. The horrors and guilt that the walls in this house have seen, and you will always be an outsider.

I will always be a Rivera, no matter whom I marry. I will carry that name before any other, because I am proud of it, and I have earned it.

Sunset

I used to spend hours outside. I never really enjoyed it, but that is how I spent years of my life after school during middle school. This was long before I discovered that extra-curricular activities would provide a much more efficient way for me to avoid my mother.

There are spots out behind the barn where I used to throw dirt, sit on hay, and just talk to myself. Sometimes I would talk to God. I still remembered the closeness I had felt with God during fifth grade and I held onto hope that he would come with my salvation.

If I went back inside I would only be yelled at, so I stayed outside. Sometimes I would make up chores that required me to be outside, simply so that I would have an excuse to be outside. I was always in the backyard, and sometimes I could feel her eyes watching me as I cleaned out horse stalls or played with Dominic on the trampoline. I tried to keep my brothers outside the house for as long as I could making up every game I could think of just so that we were all safe together away from her wrath. Eventually Dominic and Ben would grow tired or cold and would go inside to homework or to their video games. I would stay outside.

I was alone in my suffering, and I knew that. I would brainstorm games for the next day, dream about my life in the future, and try to decide whether or not I should tell someone what I was going through. Patting Stormy on the nose I knew that I was not completely alone all the time, I had my animals. After we got Billy, when he still liked me, I would run around the barn letting him chase after me, and then I would turn and run back after him. A sort of tag, only we never touched and it was simply running. I was free. I played this same game with the horses sometimes, but they did not like as much as that goat did.

By eighth grade I was still hanging around out back learning how to jump from hay bail to hay bail and pretending to be a Pokemon whenever Dominic called upon me to play with him. I would be a puppy, Pikachu, anything that Dominic wanted as long as we stayed outside on that tramp. I began to "come up with the best games" just to keep him interested. While I was looking out for Dominic, what he did not know was that he was looking out for me by keeping me away from Mom.

Whenever it finally got dark I would turn on the barn lights and work on something inside the stalls. Sometimes when it was so cold my hands were going numb, I would close up the barn doors and sit inside where the wind could not reach me. Whenever this happened, if I had not cleaned out the stall recently I would sit inhaling the urine smell that drifted up from the shavings inside the stalls.

Eventually I would be called inside on account of the cold, the darkness, or because dinner was ready. Occasionally I would just get tired and head inside to start homework where my Mom was either ready to be angry at me for staying outside and not doing my chores inside, or was asleep upstairs and I could change my clothes, grab a bite, do some math, then head to bed.

I was very scared of her. So scared that sitting outside bored out of my mind was better than being inside where she could decide to do anything with me.

Sad Eyes

Pain inside comes creeping out. This week has only been a reminder of my solitude. I have shared things with someone I never thought I would say, and now I realize that I just want to shout it out loud. I need to let others know. I am tired of this need to break something, but that is only because the blows I took are now part of what I am, what I do.

Scared of myself, I see her, staring back at me through sad eyes. I never became what I was supposed to.

My mother lives, haunting me daily. EVERY night, I fall into my restless slumber, and there she is. Even though she only hit me once during my sophomore year, I see her, screaming at me and beating me until I cry out. Sad eyes that see all my actions now stare back at me from the mirror.

I can barely breath for this is not enough room for two inside this body.

I know you all see it, that I am not the same. I will never be, but I try, for you.

Scared and alone,

-Nat

Poisoned You Again

I fucked it up again. I am poison. Venom.

Stay away from my thorns. I may have beautiful flowers, but you will never smell them, I will kill you before then.

I wreck you with every move I make. I move away, I destroy you, I move towards you, I crush you, I remain stationary and breath, and you combust.

Everything is ruined tonight, and I want to ruin myself to save you.

I feel the devil seeing through my eyes, taking you apart piece by piece and I cannot stop it.

For God's sake, please walk away! I beg of you Ian, GO.

My Neck Still Hurts

All of my joints hurt, I am paranoid, as if I am dying. It is out of hand. I thought that my medication was helping me, and while I am not as down as I was before, I have a lot of problems focusing on anything. I feel worse than before when it comes to paying attention.

Yep yep, time to go write a speech, do homework, and/or sleep. TTYL!

Death In A Can

Sitting in front of me, death in a can. I can have the can. I do not even have to pay for it. I can pick it up, turn it over, throw it on the ground, do anything I want to try and get it open, get to the contents, except for use the can opener.

I have owned the can since my birth, and it is pretty dented in my attempts to get at it, but I have never managed to break the seal. I am not sure who has the opener or how to get it, so I just keep hurting myself in an effort to end it all. Confusion, conflict, agony in my mind. Everyone else ignores my dents, acts as if I am perfectly fine, but I am crumpled on one side and feel completely hideous. My can misses its label and on some days I fear that someone might open the can for me, others I wish that someone would.

I love, yet I yearn for death.

Mark this, I put my can back on the shelf for another time, but I will get it open, I just need to find that opener.

My Neck Hurts

Totally exhausted, but I am not going to sleep anytime soon. I still need to do laundry for Speech and Debate tomorrow and write two more speeches, do my current event for Cappleman, and finish my other homework. My neck is really sore.

Ian said that I am working myself to death, and he is probably right. My anxiety to be constantly doing something has taken over me, leading me to become completely aggravated by my classes that do not have something that is CONTINUALLY teaching me something new. At the same time, AcaDec is dragging me under, I am not giving up any of my extra-curricular events and am still managing to have time to tutor Dominic and talk to Matt when I can.

Today my theology teacher Mr. MacMurchadha (pronounced Mac-Mur-ah-coo), talked about rest being a basic need of all humans, at the time, I was calculating how much homework I could get away with doing in his class so that I could do other work later on. The rare times I have time to myself I make it a point to type in a blog, something that is VERY relaxing or read some of a book.

I am completely in love. I am also really feeling emotionally stable in my work even though I know it is literally killing me. What can I say, I am not accomplishing what I should in a day. I need to work harder at it.

I hope that I find all of you in good health and that you can also be content with where ever you happen to be in your life. Please find the time to drop me a line, I will try and get back to you, although it might just be through email in the middle of the night.

Take care.

CARNIVALE PREMIERES THIS SUNDAY!

Full Circle

Vinegar in my mouth. I still dream of what cannot be. I see it in my dreams. At least there I have you.

Velvet tears drip silently down my face tonight, longing for your voice, your touch, for you. Water becomes wine and the maroon signs of sadness roll off my face and splash on the tile. Each plop stains and becomes a mark I cannot wash away. Never before have I seen myself like this.

Self mutilation takes over. I write to express what I feel but I have no audience. I could call so many people, but I have no voice. I AM MUTE. Can you not hear my silent blood curdling cries for help? No, you cannot, but I do not blame you for that. By the time you read this I will have already destroyed myself. I will be nothing.

I slip uneasily into my dreams to see what could of been. I stop breathing to hold that moment a bit longer and then I am gone. Forever in the endless sleep. Do not worry, I will always be with you.

Never forget, it was worth it. Each moment of bliss was worth the years I have spent in agony.

I will always love you, but I will not show it anymore. I am sorry for everything.

Dialogue With Satan

I saw him, the most powerful of the demons, and he promised me everything. I was not sure whether or not to accept his gracious offer so I, well, I will just tell you what was said.

Natalie, come here.
Who are you?
A friend.
But I have never seen you before.
That is irrelevant. I know you. If I did not, would I see you longing for him? Crying for him in the night? Do you want him to be yours? Only yours?
Who are you? I have no idea what you are talking about.
Take my hand, trust me.
I will not.
You must.
Never.
Do you want the truth? I command you to TAKE MY HAND!
Fine! Where are we going?
I will show you. Relax.
What is this place?
Home, to you. I built this palace for your soul. You could have it all. The man you love, for all of eternity. Your mother, she could be here too. Your steed, to carry you wherever you demand.
What must I do?
Accept, take what you want. No charge.
Then what is the catch?
No catch.
Um. . .
You seem skeptical, Do you really think I would trick you?
I do not know. . . I would have to think about it.
There is no time for such foolishness. Do you want to be happy?
Fine, I accept.
Good, then you will not mind doing me a small favor.
You said that there was no catch!
That was the catch! That I did not include one originally!
You lied!
Perhaps, but now you will do as I say, or you will receive nothing.
What must I do?
Destroy those that would dare to come between you and my will. Personify evil. Embody me for these few years here, and I will give you everything.

I gave myself away tonight. My soul raped by evil. I am empty, and I will never again believe in love, that it is worth anything but pain. I tried to give everything, but hesitance rather than courage has cost me everything.

The Beginning

To every tale, there is a beginning. For some, authors begin the story too early, so that by the time the reader reaches the climax, they are bored and the impact is lost. In others, there is not enough build up, it lacks important information and, again, the point is lost. Some authors actually begin their legend with something other than the beginning, a portion of the plot from later on, and then they come back to the beginning, only seducing the reader like an unavoidable mistress.

My saga actually begins with the end. My final act came last Sunday, because of rain, and the loss of the greatest love I will ever know. The airport took everything I had left to believe in. I have tried many times before to start the story of my life, but the result of all that came to pass was nothing. I am now nothing, and that is how it began, as nothing. What once was has now been returned, and to close the book means that just as death became life, life must once again become death. I have come nearly full circle and now prepare myself for the last arc. There is no truth; there is no answer for me in this struggle. The rain surges down and I am left erect, standing tall and proud amidst the destruction.

Cue the curtain for my final bow; I am ready for the end, my beginning.

Sexual Frustration

Totally distracted tonight, trying not to get too caught up in the physical desires I have. Meditating on it earlier, I realized that it was only a sign of inner weakness. The desire for gratification is being pushed out my mind to make way for the more important things.

We are in a battle, and my alliances are turning against each other. Ah WWIII. Death to my comrades. A deep emptiness as they fall, and I am still standing, bloodied but uninjured. The worst part is I think that I might have killed my friends but I cannot be sure.

Scared and alone.

Things I Hate

The fact that i have to listen to other people. Be patient. Love and not have.

Feel completely empty all the time. Face my insanity. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing.

I HATE that I must live. I hate that no one is ever happy. i hate the fact that I destroy others and I HATE that I like doing it.

I hate hate. I hate love. I love lust. so I hate lust. Which I still hate.

I hate that I am rambling and every word is being scrutinized by Ian to see if I am going to take my own life tonight, and Matt is making sure that not a single phrase in this entire blog is a lie.

Being terrified of myself. Trusting myself. Feeling alone. Being a woman.

I hate everything and mostly everybody except my two, who hate each other. Great, spread the hate. I fucking hate that too. I hate that I cuss, I hate when i don't. I hate when I feel sick, I hate when I feel good. I hate when everything stops making sense.

I hate the tv fuzz. I hate being called crazy.

Krispy Kreme donuts. Dumb people in my theology class. Busy Work.

Irony. I hate that love is cruel and unkind. I hate that I taste love with every swallow and cannot forget the taste.

I hate that you have to see me like this.

The Schism

I hate that I tore you two apart. I realize that you guys were not that close to begin with and NEITHER of you talk to many other people, which makes what I did even worse. Yes, more than myself had a choice, but you guys are still separated. SEE PAST IT. You two are better than this. Do not let some GIRL come between what you could have.

As said by Brian Garcia EVERYDAY in Theology, "Bro's before Ho's."

New Year's Day

Managed to haul my exhausted body into my house tonight. Last night I barely got sleep and New Year's eve stress only added to it, so by the time I got home today at 2 am, I was pooped. I told Ian I would be in bed asleep by 3:20, and I plan to keep that promise, so I will make it quick.

After a swig of champagne I wished my two brother's (who were up with one of their friends in the living room watching the South Park Movie) a Happy Fucking New Year and made my way to the computer where Katie finally gave me that New Year's kiss she owed me.

Tired of life, tired of myself, really surprised I survived 2004 and looking forward to kicking 2005's ass or going down hard. Yep, definitely exhausted, going to bed now.

Happy new year ya'll!