Waiting on West Point - III
Sweets,
You said that you would never hurt me. You lied. You have hurt me like no one else ever could. I guess that makes us even.
You said you'd write me letters. You didn't. You said you'd call. You didn't. You said you'd marry me. You didn't. You said you'd catch me before I ran away. You didn't. You said you never let anyone hurt your baby, but look at me! You went with me to my mother's grave with a lie. You know how I loathe dishonesty. You ruined me. How could we have sworn on someone's grave a LIE???
Why did treat me badly? Really, I'd like to know because I didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves the way you treated me, and I was the girl of your dreams.
I was always there! Remember Hillsey's fucking project when I stayed up all night keeping you company? I gave up preparation for an election, for something I TRULY wanted. Some of us can't win with a nickname and a smile you know. Some of us had to work for it. But I guess you never understood that. Athleticism came easy to you. Along with AcaDec, listening to what your father wanted instead of your own heart, and my love.
Your family invites me to dinner, why? Because I tried to get to know them, so that maybe they would love me half as much as they love you, as I love you. My family doesn't know a thing about you. Dominic says, "I never heard him talk."
Remember all the times I helped you figure out your life? How about your two year college decision? You were NEVER there for me!
Why couldn't you just fucking apologize? No, instead you walked away. Well fine. I will be happy for you. But don't believe for one damn minute that I coming after you.
It is like those fights we used to have, where you would just walk off and shut the garage door leaving me outside with the phrase, "You know how to get in." IT WAS YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. I am not coming after you. If you think for one minute that I am, you are crazy. You are an idiot, who was never taught as a child to apologize and I cannot stand your immaturity. "You know how to get in." Yeah right! I am not going to break and enter to argue with some self-centered bastard who didn't even want to talk to me.
That's just it. You were the center, of my entire life as well. You fucking idiot, I dare you to find someone who loves you more. But that's ok. You can take that list you carry in your wallet and name all your children by it with your slave of a wife. I hope she makes you happy by following you around like a dog. That's what you wanted wasn't it? Someone to admire you relentlessly. Worship at your feet while you kicked them for no reason.
I am going off to have a great life of my own. I only hope you find the same satisfaction in your own journey.
By the way, don't you think that for one second that because I am mad right now I didn't love you. That I don't still love you. That I won't still love you. Because I did, do, and will.
But you are a moron. You were a moron. I have no reason to believe you won't be in the future.
I wish you were still Flipper. At least he still knew what it was like to be kind to others. I think I'd rather remember you like that anyway.
You did this, and you said you'd never hurt me. . . I hate you for that lie above all else.
I wish I could kick you in the shins. I wish I could rip out your hair, slap your cheek, and punch you in the stomach. But all I can do is write this goddamn blog not knowing if you will ever even read it and hate you for the pain I am going through.
I HATE YOU.
Love,
Nat
You said that you would never hurt me. You lied. You have hurt me like no one else ever could. I guess that makes us even.
You said you'd write me letters. You didn't. You said you'd call. You didn't. You said you'd marry me. You didn't. You said you'd catch me before I ran away. You didn't. You said you never let anyone hurt your baby, but look at me! You went with me to my mother's grave with a lie. You know how I loathe dishonesty. You ruined me. How could we have sworn on someone's grave a LIE???
Why did treat me badly? Really, I'd like to know because I didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves the way you treated me, and I was the girl of your dreams.
I was always there! Remember Hillsey's fucking project when I stayed up all night keeping you company? I gave up preparation for an election, for something I TRULY wanted. Some of us can't win with a nickname and a smile you know. Some of us had to work for it. But I guess you never understood that. Athleticism came easy to you. Along with AcaDec, listening to what your father wanted instead of your own heart, and my love.
Your family invites me to dinner, why? Because I tried to get to know them, so that maybe they would love me half as much as they love you, as I love you. My family doesn't know a thing about you. Dominic says, "I never heard him talk."
Remember all the times I helped you figure out your life? How about your two year college decision? You were NEVER there for me!
Why couldn't you just fucking apologize? No, instead you walked away. Well fine. I will be happy for you. But don't believe for one damn minute that I coming after you.
It is like those fights we used to have, where you would just walk off and shut the garage door leaving me outside with the phrase, "You know how to get in." IT WAS YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. I am not coming after you. If you think for one minute that I am, you are crazy. You are an idiot, who was never taught as a child to apologize and I cannot stand your immaturity. "You know how to get in." Yeah right! I am not going to break and enter to argue with some self-centered bastard who didn't even want to talk to me.
That's just it. You were the center, of my entire life as well. You fucking idiot, I dare you to find someone who loves you more. But that's ok. You can take that list you carry in your wallet and name all your children by it with your slave of a wife. I hope she makes you happy by following you around like a dog. That's what you wanted wasn't it? Someone to admire you relentlessly. Worship at your feet while you kicked them for no reason.
I am going off to have a great life of my own. I only hope you find the same satisfaction in your own journey.
By the way, don't you think that for one second that because I am mad right now I didn't love you. That I don't still love you. That I won't still love you. Because I did, do, and will.
But you are a moron. You were a moron. I have no reason to believe you won't be in the future.
I wish you were still Flipper. At least he still knew what it was like to be kind to others. I think I'd rather remember you like that anyway.
You did this, and you said you'd never hurt me. . . I hate you for that lie above all else.
I wish I could kick you in the shins. I wish I could rip out your hair, slap your cheek, and punch you in the stomach. But all I can do is write this goddamn blog not knowing if you will ever even read it and hate you for the pain I am going through.
I HATE YOU.
Love,
Nat
posted by Nat Rivera at 1:55 AM
1 Comments:
Brava! Brava! I hope you still mean that because in the long run it's the best thing for you. I know it's been way too long since I looked at your blog, I guess you could say I've been away... It seems to me that you've found your way while I was gone and I'm very glad to see it.
Feel free to IM me sometime, I know it's been a while. I'm still here for you though. I always am, even if I'm miles away. Don't lose sight of this objective, from what I've read he's nothing but bad medicine.
C
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