"The Prayer"-Song at My Mom's Memorial
I looked at myself today and I learned something deep and real that I had never known before. Today is the one year anniversary of my Mother's death. I have survived one year, and I have no idea at all how it was done. It was simply a nightmare that I never awoke from.
Today I woke up, and I know something that many of my peers never will. I am the luckiest girl I know, because I know suffering. I know true anguish and I have almost met death. I still crave death, but I would not bring it upon myself today.
You all do not know what it is like to survive 18 years of life being beaten down by God and lose everything, but in the end, receive it all. I feel as though I am the child who had to work harder for everything her entire life, but in the end, I am better for it.
As I kissed my hand and then put it to my Mom's gravestone tonight, I thanked God for unanswered prayers. I thanked him for each time he refused to just let me die. I thanked him for letting me hate him, for letting me turn away only to find out how true my faith was. I thanked him for making my family grow apart and grow up individually so that we could come together again tonight. I thanked him for helping Matt to choose West Point so that I would have a horrible year of solitude in which to become strong on my own. I thanked him for each and every single tear that my pain had caused me. I thanked him for every time I felt alone, every time I thought I could not go on, but did. I thanked him for saving my Mom from her pain.
Her blood is still on my hands and I wear it like a modern scarlet letter, but because of this, I will not let it happen again.
I thank God for teaching me how to love deep down inside the real me.
Today was one of the roughest days of my life, but it was the end of a year long battle. I won. There were many casualties on both sides, and we barely forced a surrender on the other side's part, but we won. I celebrate your lives tonight, my friends, my family.
I drink to you! (Dr. Pepper, unfortunately).
I am not happy with everything, and I know this feeling of satisfaction and safety will soon fade, but while it is here, I must thank you all.
In alphabetical Order
Ashley, Graham, Ian, Jacque, Jacob, Jimmy, Jolene, Justin, Kellen, Leanne, Matt, Melinda, Nathan R., and Nathan Hadsall (wherever you are), Thank you for everything! I love each and every one of you more than I can explain in words, and you have saved my life so many times I cannot even tell you. You are all my redeemers, my guides, my idols, my pillars of strength when I have none, and tonight I am in your debt.
Please call me if you ever need anything! My Cell is always on!
505-440-2203
Love,
Natalie
Today I woke up, and I know something that many of my peers never will. I am the luckiest girl I know, because I know suffering. I know true anguish and I have almost met death. I still crave death, but I would not bring it upon myself today.
You all do not know what it is like to survive 18 years of life being beaten down by God and lose everything, but in the end, receive it all. I feel as though I am the child who had to work harder for everything her entire life, but in the end, I am better for it.
As I kissed my hand and then put it to my Mom's gravestone tonight, I thanked God for unanswered prayers. I thanked him for each time he refused to just let me die. I thanked him for letting me hate him, for letting me turn away only to find out how true my faith was. I thanked him for making my family grow apart and grow up individually so that we could come together again tonight. I thanked him for helping Matt to choose West Point so that I would have a horrible year of solitude in which to become strong on my own. I thanked him for each and every single tear that my pain had caused me. I thanked him for every time I felt alone, every time I thought I could not go on, but did. I thanked him for saving my Mom from her pain.
Her blood is still on my hands and I wear it like a modern scarlet letter, but because of this, I will not let it happen again.
I thank God for teaching me how to love deep down inside the real me.
Today was one of the roughest days of my life, but it was the end of a year long battle. I won. There were many casualties on both sides, and we barely forced a surrender on the other side's part, but we won. I celebrate your lives tonight, my friends, my family.
I drink to you! (Dr. Pepper, unfortunately).
I am not happy with everything, and I know this feeling of satisfaction and safety will soon fade, but while it is here, I must thank you all.
In alphabetical Order
Ashley, Graham, Ian, Jacque, Jacob, Jimmy, Jolene, Justin, Kellen, Leanne, Matt, Melinda, Nathan R., and Nathan Hadsall (wherever you are), Thank you for everything! I love each and every one of you more than I can explain in words, and you have saved my life so many times I cannot even tell you. You are all my redeemers, my guides, my idols, my pillars of strength when I have none, and tonight I am in your debt.
Please call me if you ever need anything! My Cell is always on!
505-440-2203
Love,
Natalie
posted by Nat Rivera at 9:48 PM
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