You Never Understand
I hate everything. I just hate it all.
I study useless facts for a man I loathe. Kellen insists on stabbing me in the back to the point where I cannot help but cry. I achieve for a Dad that just wants me off the phone so he can talk to Julia. Quintin wants in my pants, and even though I am completely sexually frustrated, I hold him back. I hate being female. I teach kids that probably hate my class. I am a jerk to all of my teachers except for Mr. V, Cappleman, and Mr. MacMurchadha and the only reason I am not a complete bitch to them is because their classes mandate silence. I keep reaching out for other people, but I just drag them down too.
Matt, you never understand. I keep having to fight for you against everyone else, they all believe that you are bad for me. To top it all, I know that we are not going to make it. I will not allow myself to have that hope, there is no point. You do not understand me now, and you will never have the opportunity to know me better.
The devils of my mind will not let up. I am plaguing myself, and I feel everyone judging me for who I am and the fact that I can never seem to focus. I have no idea how I make it through the school day, and I have even less of an idea how I manage to get my homework done on time, because I never seem to hear the assignments when the teacher gives them.
I ache, physically and emotionally.
Ian, ah Ian. You are you. I hate the fact that I know you told me, but I did not remember at all that you started again. I hate the fact that you are a hypocrite just like the rest. The same goes for you Matt.
I feel as though I cannot trust either of you, and I feel as though it does not matter.
I hate everything. I write this now and you will be hurt, I do not care.
My Mom used to beat me down, she kept me in check. While it might not have been right, it meant that I was not able to hurt anyone, but instead took hours of training on how to do to others EXACTLY what was done to me for sixteen years.
STOP HANDLING ME LIKE A FRAGILE PIECE OF GLASS. Because I want to cut you. I want to slice all of you so deep that the wound will NEVER heal! I want all of you to feel what I have to!
::gasp:: no I don't. I really don't. The evil inside of me is winning more and more these days, and I am tired of restraining myself.
I want to slip into a drugged haze and escape this world. I want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to go to sleep just like her and end this suffering tonight, but I can't. I want to take myself away from all of you.
I study useless facts for a man I loathe. Kellen insists on stabbing me in the back to the point where I cannot help but cry. I achieve for a Dad that just wants me off the phone so he can talk to Julia. Quintin wants in my pants, and even though I am completely sexually frustrated, I hold him back. I hate being female. I teach kids that probably hate my class. I am a jerk to all of my teachers except for Mr. V, Cappleman, and Mr. MacMurchadha and the only reason I am not a complete bitch to them is because their classes mandate silence. I keep reaching out for other people, but I just drag them down too.
Matt, you never understand. I keep having to fight for you against everyone else, they all believe that you are bad for me. To top it all, I know that we are not going to make it. I will not allow myself to have that hope, there is no point. You do not understand me now, and you will never have the opportunity to know me better.
The devils of my mind will not let up. I am plaguing myself, and I feel everyone judging me for who I am and the fact that I can never seem to focus. I have no idea how I make it through the school day, and I have even less of an idea how I manage to get my homework done on time, because I never seem to hear the assignments when the teacher gives them.
I ache, physically and emotionally.
Ian, ah Ian. You are you. I hate the fact that I know you told me, but I did not remember at all that you started again. I hate the fact that you are a hypocrite just like the rest. The same goes for you Matt.
I feel as though I cannot trust either of you, and I feel as though it does not matter.
I hate everything. I write this now and you will be hurt, I do not care.
My Mom used to beat me down, she kept me in check. While it might not have been right, it meant that I was not able to hurt anyone, but instead took hours of training on how to do to others EXACTLY what was done to me for sixteen years.
STOP HANDLING ME LIKE A FRAGILE PIECE OF GLASS. Because I want to cut you. I want to slice all of you so deep that the wound will NEVER heal! I want all of you to feel what I have to!
::gasp:: no I don't. I really don't. The evil inside of me is winning more and more these days, and I am tired of restraining myself.
I want to slip into a drugged haze and escape this world. I want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to go to sleep just like her and end this suffering tonight, but I can't. I want to take myself away from all of you.
posted by Nat Rivera at 10:21 PM
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