A Badass
The above is what my bestfriend, Ian, clarified me as after my Speech and Debate tournament. Trying not to brush my four trophy's off as nothing I accepted his compliment. However, tonight's win was completely empty. I do not feel that I deserve anything I received tonight and the more I try to recall the rounds in which I competed, the more they seem like a dream.
My Dad does not care. I worked so hard to get my parents' attention, and now, I never will. Tonight was the best I have ever done at a tournament, but it did not matter at all.
I called home wondering if Ben and Dominic wanted to go out to dinner or whether or not I should attend the team dinner. They said they wanted to go to Twisters, so I headed home, excited that they wanted to eat at the same place that I did and wanted to hang out with me. When I reached home and changed, I discovered that they did not actually want any food at all. I am not one to eat alone. Great, I missed the team dinner for nothing.
Dominic's comments on my trophy's were generally kind, but ended with "These trophy's are kind of wack." Ben said that I was "freaking awesome." My Dad thought it was kind of cool, but I realized that it did not matter to him how I did, he never understood and he never tried to.
Great, now I am crying. Why the FUCK did I work so god damn hard for people who do not give a shit?!! I might as well sit in my room and stare at the wall for all the difference it would make.
To top it off, I could not even get a hold of Matt. I know that Ian and he love me dearly and both of them care, but it still feels like nothing when my family does not care. I appreciate their support, but I was competing for some one else's tonight, and I lost. No matter how many trophy's I win, it will never matter.
My Dad does not care. I worked so hard to get my parents' attention, and now, I never will. Tonight was the best I have ever done at a tournament, but it did not matter at all.
I called home wondering if Ben and Dominic wanted to go out to dinner or whether or not I should attend the team dinner. They said they wanted to go to Twisters, so I headed home, excited that they wanted to eat at the same place that I did and wanted to hang out with me. When I reached home and changed, I discovered that they did not actually want any food at all. I am not one to eat alone. Great, I missed the team dinner for nothing.
Dominic's comments on my trophy's were generally kind, but ended with "These trophy's are kind of wack." Ben said that I was "freaking awesome." My Dad thought it was kind of cool, but I realized that it did not matter to him how I did, he never understood and he never tried to.
Great, now I am crying. Why the FUCK did I work so god damn hard for people who do not give a shit?!! I might as well sit in my room and stare at the wall for all the difference it would make.
To top it off, I could not even get a hold of Matt. I know that Ian and he love me dearly and both of them care, but it still feels like nothing when my family does not care. I appreciate their support, but I was competing for some one else's tonight, and I lost. No matter how many trophy's I win, it will never matter.
posted by Nat Rivera at 7:44 PM
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