Diddle Pud

Reminded of my Mom,
The woman I never knew,
Her life in high school.

cigarette ashes burning my skin as the wind
whipping through the car
scatters my hair
making my skin feel alive.

Burned Out Headlights,
No Socks or Shoes,
Burned Out Tail light,
No Pants for me.

Four half naked girls crammed into a red mustang,
the Thursday night rush of mooning and ordering ice from Sonic
Naked,
or mostly so,
bra still on, maybe another layer or so.

All I can think is, time is weighing us down
and sooner, not later,
one of us needs to get home.

Drag of nicotine, and I am feeling high,
Toga day coming up,
and thoughts of suicide are brought back to life.
Two boys I do not want to talk to
manage to give me a call,
I push them off the line
And make my way through the rest of the day
I look at my arms, free of marks, minus the scar that reminds me
that anytime I cut, I will leave a permanent mark
so matter how I wish to destroy this body,
I cannot.

I am that broken out headlight
amongst all the other bright and happy lights
DIDDLE PUD.

Burning A Way Sick CD Right Now

So, I was in a an incredibly bad mood last night, I have no explanation for it except that I am smack dab right back where I was at Christmas. I do not even know if I ever had time, nor if I ever did explain in my blog what that was like but I will attempt to explain it as I ventured closer to the inevitable death for the second time around.

Primarily, I am incapable of being happy. Even when there are things that should make me happy, they do not.

TV fuzz, a numbness of the brain, keeps me continually struggling to pay attention. I will probably go back on medication over the summer just because I know how much it will help when I am studying during college. I can see that the medication did help clearly in the difference between AcaDec Nat'ls and AcaDec State. Let me explain. Before Nat'ls I was off medication, a complete nervous wreck, and unable to concentrate. In addition I dropped to third C student for our team rather than second. At State, I was on Medication, dying from it, but able to concentrate, was not stressed out at all, managed to nab a number from a really hot soccer player, and was second C student. Obviously medication is a good thing, unless it forces you to hurt so badly that you cannot walk, like it did to me. So maybe there is something else that I can take instead.

Anyway, Ian had a rough day today. I feel bad for him, and I wish there was something more I could do for him, but right now I do not like the guy. He ratted me out to my brother, I wanted to kick his ass. Come to think of it, I am not exactly sure why I didn't. Anyway, I am sad that Matt didn't make a move to get me back, upset at the fact that Ian did, overly stressed out due to the deaths and illnesses in families that are close and semi-close to me.

The bettas are doing pretty well. The babies in particular. We cleaned out their tank today, and they are thriving in the new water. I am very glad for that.

Love never works out, I am completely broken hearted right now, and feeling completely alone at 12:22 AM, (or 00:22 for you military men, (Matt)).

I am starting a new me with college coming up and I am sad that I will be leaving the old one. High School used to be where people found their mate, found their direction, discovered themselves. Now, it is simply one more obstacle, one more stepping stone until a person can really begin that journey.

I wish I had not loved so many in High School, because then graduation would not hurt so much.
I have been asked if I am scared about going on to college, and the answer is no. It will always be no. I am not scared of going on to new things, I am afraid of leaving the old ones. Thus, the backsliding and the taking on of way too many tasks that I am not humanly possible of completing.

I walked past the stone in the gourtyard that had my Mom's name on it. I finally searched out which one it was today, and made a point to decide whether or not I liked it. I did.

It is unreal that she is gone. I am crying now, oh for the shame of it!

Well my CD is done burning so I'm going to go dance to Switch by Will Smith. TTYL.

As TMBG would say, "Your Racist Friend"

Alex, my older brother, put this up on his blog recently. It was part of an email he sent to someone else, but I think that I will probably do this for my spring break or something next year, if I choose to survive that long.

"A guy I know, an RA at Weinstein named Peter Borenstein, is involved in this thing called rambling, where you basically walk from one place to another, day in an day out. Like me picking up myself right now and walking to Los Angeles. How fucking wild would that be? I only need to to know where to start, and I only need a couple of months' time..."

On a lighter note, I fucking hate people. All people. I feel completely alone. All of you deserted me and I hate you for it. It is too late for you to come back and act like you care.

WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE? WAS IT WORTH IT? Tell me honestly, will you feel no guilt when I am gone? I will haunt you in your dreams, your life, your everything. I am leaving now, before you can do it again.

I should have never trusted you, so therefore, to right a long standing wrong:
WE ARE THROUGH. DONE. KAPUT. Finé. I AM OUT.

Goodbye.

A song I heard today for the first time

I Miss You Lyrics

Thought I heard your voice yesterday
when I turned around to say
(that I loved you)
I realize, it was just my mind
played tricks on me

it seems colder and lonely at night
and I try to sleep with the lights on
everytime the phone rings
I pray to god its you
I just can't believe
that we're through

I miss you
there's no other way to say it
and I can't deny it
I miss you
and its so easy to see
I miss you and me

Is it turning over this time?
Have you really changed your mind
and the feelings that we used to share?
I refuse to believe
that you don't care

I miss you
there's no other way to say it
and I can't deny it
I miss you
and its so easy to see
I miss you and me

I tried to gather myself together
I been through worst kinds of weather
if it's over now
then I'll be strong
I just can't live without you

I really need you, cause this love's true, it's driving me crazy
I really miss you, and all the things you do, I miss my baby
I really need you, cause this loves true, it's driving me crazy

"How You Can Do It if You Really Don't Want To Dance By Standing On The Wall? Get Your Back Off the Wall!"

"Get down on it" by Kool and the Gang is ringing out through my computer speakers right now, and I have found that it really applies to my life right now. Basically, you cannot get anywhere if you do not try. So I am trying.

I lost my dog over the weekend.

3 major deaths in the last year. 4 life-changing deaths in the last 18 months. I am acting like it does not matter, but I really loved that dog. The other dogs are acting weird now.

I want to own a dog exactly like Penelope when I get older. I want a horse like Stormy too. That skitish young horse that doesn't know a single other riders touch except my own.

Well, I better get my back up off the wall. Time to dance. "I hope you dance." Goodnight.

Sorry For Worrying You

In my last post, I did not make it clear that the person in that story was not me. Sometimes I just have things to say, people and places, feelings out of touch with reality that I just have to pen out and put someplace. That is some little boy, some innocent part of me that does not understand this world we live in. To him, it is impossible that the world could be so corrupt that even his mother would turn on him. His reality is shattered, but some naive piece, some over-ride will not let him see it.

I am multi-dimensioned, and when you read my blog, that is what you get. All the horrible little parts of me.

I just am, and I will die before I am silenced for what I believe.

I am sorry I worried you, just know that generally italics mean something is up, and it's not necessarily me, but in the future I will try and remember to warn ya'll.

Goodnight.

Home Repair

She told me to stop crying, but I would not listen. I never listened, at least, that's what she always said. Mama was right, I did deserve to be punished.

Early that morning she told me to wash the dishes so i did. But she said they were not clean enough and I better "clean 'em lickety split" or else I'd get it. Well I tried, honest I did, but I kept thinking about the grumblings my stomach was making because I hadn't had no dinner the night before.

Before I knows it, she comes in and grabs me on the back of my neck and started yelling in my face. I should have focused more, I get so distracted sometimes. Well, there was this hammer sitting on the counter from Papa fixin' the cabinets last night and she plucked it off the counter and starts waving it and yelling. Next thing I know, I see the hammer coming down and I'm yelling 'NO!' but she hit me anyways. It got me on my little finger on the hand that had been sitting on the counter and I feel the pain shoot up my arm.

"I'll teach you to disobey me again!" She yelled and swung again. I tried to pull my hand away but she is holding it with her other arm and is squeezing my wrist so much I can't move it at all. This time, thanks to my pulling, it hits my finger further down near the nail and starts bleeding pretty bad.

She looked down at what she done and let's go of the hammer. It crashes to the floor and cracks the tile, the tile we ain't never supposed to wear our shoes on because it's so special. She grabs a towel and wraps it round my finger, but the blood soaks through it in no time. Next thing I know she is pulling me out of the kitchen away from the sink, but the blood drips off my fingers onto the clean dishes. I guess I will have to wash them again later.

When we're sitting in the hospital she tells me to say that my finger got caught in the door. But the doctor don't believe me, he can see the two round marks of a hammer and he is looking at me all funny. I tell him it were an accident. He sows me up and shakes his head while I repeat the story Mama put in my head. She made it sound so real now I am not even sure if she really hit me with the hammer at all or if it was just another daydream.

She gets me ice cream afterwards, and I eat it too quick because I am still hungry and my brain gets freezed. I lick it off my lips and Mama drives home all safely and quiet.

It was an accident, I think. Mama wouldn't hurt me on purpose, would she?

"I am so lonely"

He utters the words from an embrace w/ me and I could not stand it. I wanted desperately to help him, but at the same time, I wanted him to feel the pain I have felt since Christmas. There really is no one out there, I have no one, and nothing left.

I am empty. Completely and utterly alone.

You know you are bad off when you wonder what it would be like to die of AIDS and actually begin hoping that the cold you have will kill you. Yeah, I wish I had cancer. I know I deserve a slap for that, but I really wish I was dying so that this would all be over and done with soon.

Just Like Old Times

I am staring at the phone, waiting for a call that has not come for 3.5 hours. No, I am not really that sad, but I am sick and have nothing better to do. This cough is driving me crazy.

I was hanging out with someone I care about deeply today, and it was looking at someone and knowing that they will not dare tell you that they love you. It is looking into someone's eyes and knowing that you need them, and they still need you, but neither one of you is going to say a damn word. It hurt. I wanted to say it, but I could not bring myself too, so I just let it go.

I let people get away from me and spend time and effort on individuals who could care less whether or not I am part of their lives. I have no idea why.

Oh, before I forget, your shoe is untied! Just kidding, April Fools!

H2G2

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is coming the theatres soon, and like any die-hard Douglas Adams fan who hates the idea of a movie being made of a great book and ruining it for those that would purchase it and read it, I will be there opening day, spouting all the differences between the movie and the book. (Aka, April 29th). In addition, I will probably dress like one of the characters in support of the BOOK not the movie. Most likely, I will be confused for a Douglas Adams fan who supports the film, but no matter, screw the ignorant.

So today I had decided that my blog entry was going to be a complaint about how I am continually surrounded by unhappy people who never do anything to better their situation and just insist on complaining about it. However, I decided to live by my own rules and change my situation. Things I am doing to improve my sorry slot in life are as follows:
-Hanging out with more positive people in order to keep myself afloat.
-Giving up on someone else being there to support me. I am destined to stand independently and suffer alone, I get that now. The consequence of this particular change in attitude is that I am losing my ability to feel love, again, because there is no reason for me to believe that others love me as I love them, and even if they did, how does that profit me? It doesn't, because no one does anything about those that they care about.
-Working hard toward my career, (which means little to nothing to me, but I have nothing better to do or care about, so I will work on it for now).
-Give up on Sex. It is a stupid physical pleasure that I cannot receive any time in the near future, and since I no longer masturbate, I will not be getting off anytime soon. Therefore, I should stop thinking about it and get over it.
-Run more in an effort to reduce stress and increase my physical well-being. In addition, it helps me drink more water and look better for when I am famous.
-Listen, even more than before, and support the people I care about even when they are being stupid.


So that about sums it up. By the time I am finished with the above steps, I will have become a cold, unfeeling, prudent, overly-indepedent, career-oriented, beautiful yet cocky, bitch.

Ah, what this world can do for those who really try and work hard. . .(sarcasm for those that did not catch on). I hate life, and I hate the fact that I face the day alone, but I only have myself. I have had only myself for the majority of my life. Perhaps I will start drinking again, that seemed to help for a long time.

I guess you caught me, I am in a really bad mood, but I cannot escape my mother. Sometimes I feel like Sophie from Carnivale, I turn the corner and there 'Mama' is. Fuck life, Fuck God, fuck existence, I am going to bed.

I hope you all find a better plan that actually gets you what you want versus just keeping you safe.

Oops, I guess I complained a little bit after all. Oh well, not like me being a liar is any new thing.