Attracting Danger

Really struggling right now. Alex is calling to me to finish what I started with her story but I never know what direction to start in. It is all in my head, just jumbled like a jigsaw puzzle.

dilemma:
If I start with the outline of her story I limit what I can say by giving myself only a certain amount of space to do it in.

If I start with the middle and work out, when do I stop?

I miss Matthew. I love him and it breaks my heart to be without him for so long.

I am glad that Ian and I are really tight still.

I am super glad that C came back. I thought for sure that she hate me for bothering her during all her struggles so I had backed off. I had been praying and hoping that she would be able to have some sort of life despite everything that bastard took from her. That is true strength. I admire her greatly.

I kinda forgot that anyone can read my blog and started writing as if noone could, and I liked writing like that. I am not longer writing to appease you, to let you know about my life, I am simply putting out what I want to, take it or leave it as you will.

One of those feelings

I didn't know how to tell him before he left, but I am no longer scared of Matt leaving me. He could be on the other side of the world, and as long as he was happy and safe, I would be content to live alone. Fact is, I am terrified that he is going to die.

I got one of those feelings before Christmas, and frankly, I still believe that I was destined to die at Christmas, but something drastic changed the course of my life. Probably Ian and his situation at the time. . .

Matthew has really changed. I cannot explain how I feel about it. I am so happy, yet not giddy, not immature, but content, satisfied with splendor running o'er the rim of my cup onto my floor.

I hope nothing happens to him. Paranoia, god how I hate it.

"Making Love in the Green Grass. . ."

I can only think of something that a friend of mine told me on a plane ride once, "we used to roll around for hours!" It was of course, in regards to sex.

Well, I have made love. Deep down within my being right now, there it sits. I am completely owned by this love, this commitment I have made wanting only to be with one man for the rest of my life.

Many have considered me stupid or foolish for the decisions I have made within the last week, but which is worse, being to quick too make a decision, or waiting to make one and allowing opportunity to slip me by. I tell you this now, I know what I want from life, and I know who I want my life to be spent with, I have known for years now, but have not been on my way until now.

I have known since before I could read that I wanted to be a dentist, but only now am I getting close to that goal. 18 years of waiting, I know that the good things are worth waiting for, but is it wise for me to undeclare a major when I know exactly what I want to do? No, it is not wise. So I will declare the things I know for certainty and I really do not care if you all do not feel the same.

What good are you if you do not trust that I will be safe? Have I not been safe in all my other decisions? Have I not been steadfast in them?

I am really happy right now, I just wish that many of you could feel the same.

Update on my love life:
Ryan is ok with me. We are still going to be friends.

Matthew is coming over in about five minutes, we are going to the zoo later today. He is going to come see my over Labor Day Weekend in Omaha, NE. I'm really pumped.


I love all you guys. I hope that we will still be friends in the end.

What up my home-slices?

so I was looking up names for my future dog. . .Which I need to tell you about. . .But anyway, I came across this site that just had a baby's ass on it for some all natural diaper rash soup. A baby's ass! Being squeezed!

Check it out!:
http://www.babynamenetwork.com/baby_names/origin.cfm?origin=Hebrew&start_row=100

Anyway, that's all I really have for now, so time for me to go sleep.
Hasta,
Nat