Empty Promises

Sexual frustration hits its peak again this week. I was perfectly fine with not getting any, but the problem is/was that I was in the close proximity of getting rid of the frustration, but it was all empty promises. Not to say the person intended for it to be, but that's how my life seems to turn out.

I used to be hurt by the fact that often people do not say what they really mean, or do not stick by their word, but honesty is for fools. I once believed that honesty was the most powerful force I could wield as a weapon, but it ended up being a joke. Honesty saves nothing, and now I never seem to expect it, which makes me feel bad for being so cynical to people I can trust.

This weekend blew, hard. I was really sick of life by the end of it, and I wish that I still had another day of it just to get over the madness. First off, I have been dehydrating myself. No, Natalie has been dehydrating Nat as some sort of sick tool to get me to do whatever the hell it is that she wants. Now I talk about both of them in third person, I guess there is three of us, eh? Yes, I know that I am bloody insane, you do not have to repeat it! Just shut up! Who asked you to judge me anyway??

So I have had only about one glass of water every OTHER day for the last two weeks, and the rest of the time I was just drinking other fluids to try and compensate. Let me just say, it takes a lot of juice to try and hydrate a person. In addition, I have been really sick because of it and feeling like crap. When I get dehydrated enough I get really bad migraines, and Friday night was a good one.

Friday afternoon I got into a fight with Ian, one of the first that really cut me deep. Sometimes I have to wonder if it will ever be as it was before Valentine's day. Crap, I haven't told ya'll about the gift he gave me! I'll have to put in a separate entry for that.

After that Ian was hanging out with Renny, and I did not think about calling Jolene, despite the fact that she was in town, until about eleven pm, so basically I spent the late afternoon/early evening of Friday stuck at my house, not drinking water, trying to fight off this headache. I played about two hours of Mario Tennis with Dominic and then I managed to pass out on my bed after giving my Tarantula water. Later, my Dad came home and we all went bowling.

Take one migraine headache, mix in annoying family outing w/ discussion about college, one out of place girlfriend of my father's, Nachos, and the noise level of a bowling alley w/ flashing lights because it is "starlight bowling." Product? One very sick and nauseous Natalie.

I thought I was going to pass out. I drank a lot of water that night.

Saturday morning the vet came and took a look at my horse's penis, let me know that it was very infected and that I might have to squeeze it twice daily for about twenty minutes each time in order to assist the healing process. Amazingly, I was not phased. After nursing back to health practically every animal on this god-forsaken property, I am not surprised by anything. I then took a cold shower because the hot water was completely off, and then watched two out of the three Back to the Future movies while doing Physics.

I got to go to lunch w/ Quentin, Julia, and my Dad because my brothers bailed, and then I came home and avoided Quentin's sexual advances. After changing because I had plans to go see Jolene, I got sick again due to lack of water, and fell asleep on my bed. About twenty minutes later, I got back up and called Ian. His previous estimate of 4:30 had been off, it was not looking to be 5:30-6:00. I hid my disappointment. I had spent the last twenty-four hours hoping for redeemer, but there was not one to be found.

Finally, Ian came over and that was way cool. We hung out for a while and watched a movie, then made our way to Twister's for some food. Jolene called me about that time and directed us to Dion's where Ian and I finished our Twister's burritos. After that, we drove to a friend's house where there was a big party going on. Jacob was already there drinking, and when he gets drunk, he needs an entire team (Ian and I) to get him home safely. So even though the party was pretty cool, we didn't get to stay long because we needed to get Jake to my house. So I said goodbye to Jolene, and the first party I have had the opportunity to really experience with my peers and walked away.

Oh well. We got high at my house and that was pretty cool I guess. More than anything, that night just increased the frustration. Ian made me drink a little glass of water, and I made him promise that anytime he was with me he should make sure I am drinking water, he promised he would.

By today, that promise was mostly forgotten. I have not had any water since lunch, and it was half a glass.

I thought I had more homework than I did and that Paula and I would have to meet up to practice our Duo for State, and so then I stayed home and did not hang out with Kellen while my family went to see "Constantine" without me.

Ian came over to hang out but he was exhausted. He slept for about two hours while I kind of just dicked-around. I had planned on leaving over to Barne's and Noble, but I did not want to leave him alone, so I stayed and watched the end of about four movies before Matt called and talked to me for a long time. Matthew died this weekend. I now have to get over my feelings for him for real. Before, I had just stored them away, an optimistic part of me hoping that someday, somewhere, love would win the battle and we would get what we started out in quest for. Matt has made it clear that he no longer believes that is ever possible, and it is about time Natalie recognized that. Nat has already moved on, trying for the things that will work, not the lost causes. After getting to give out some relationship advice to Matt, I got to suck in a deep breath and swallow the tears. I was proud that I did not shed a tear.

It is over. He is dead, and I must learn that the man I was in a relationship with is gone. We are no longer those people. Besides, I am his friend, and it is my duty to be there for him, no matter what. Emotions are no excuse anymore.

Finallyafter deciding to get off my ass and clean out the fish, I pulled myself off the couch. About that time Paula called me and let me know that I should work on my DI and speech which are due Tuesday (haven't started either BTW), and so we called off our practice. Ian awoke just in time to help me and then we got to clean up my room and talk about life. He gave me the option of bolting, and it took all of my being not to run away one last time. I have so many problems with commitment it is unreal. Thus, the reason I will never marry.

Watched a bit of the Oscars. Felt sick thinking about the McDonald's my family was eating (ewww, fast food). I get so turned off by everything fried unless it comes from two specific locations of both Twister's and Panda Express. One thing that makes me feel better about this weekend, I could have had worse. Ian had worse for sures, so I feel pretty lucky to just have been abandoned and feeling loneliness. I might as well get used to it. You all read this and know how I feel, and despite what you may do for me, eventually we will all disband and become like friends who perhaps call each other around the holidays to have awkward small talk for five minutes, if we even get that far.

Got sexually frustrated right before Carnivale, was promised some help, but Carnivale ended and we said goodnight. I do not blame him, he has got a lot going on, and it does not really even matter anyway. I suppose I am just getting too needy. ::sigh:: empty promises. . .

Empty promises float in and out of my life, and I just keep on trekking. No one can really understand, and I can no longer explain how I feel, because I am too far gone. I am a trapese artist performing without a net, but I do not know if anyone is going to catch me on the other end, so I never let go of the bar I am currently on. The problem, however, is that the ropes are slowly wearing away, so sometime in the future I will be falling to my death. Not like I really cared anyway.

Boy, I am kind of thirsty. . . Maybe she will let me drink water now! I am probably getting too hopeful, but I am going to go see.

Despite what I may have said, I want to be clear about my message in this blog, and it is that
THIS WEEKEND SUCKED.

My Critics

I figured it was about time that I let everyone know what I went to the others for. In addition, this is just my attempt at an honest interpretation of how you stand in my book as someone I request opinions from.

Dominic- Will let me know if I look really bad in clothing. Is honest about his feelings toward my actions, but has more discretion when discussing his own. Too young to know many of the hard lessons I have learned, but way too mature for someone his age.

Alex- Relationship advice. Generally bad at giving other advice because we seem to have led completely different lives despite growing up in the same house.

Kellen- Will proofread anything I hand him and is always willing to tutor. Has gotten me through many subjects and helped me with many issues where I need an outside opinion, but his pessimism also leads to an obvious bias, which I tend to take into account.

Ian- Great at support, not so good at handling things that involve my well being. Emotions tend to override his logic during arguments about me taking care of myself, which only proves that he cares. I go to him for mostly everything because we generally agree, and when we don't, there's generally a good reason, because one of us ends up being very wrong.

Jacob- Great at clothing, food, and relationships. Always willing to help me when I talk about my illnesses or other such without judgment.

Matthew- We have been very close in the past, which leads us to a sort of odd relationship, where we are both looking for something that no longer exists and yet keeping up appearances. He is pretty good about having motivational quotes handy, unless pressured, in which case he draws a blank. The problem with this relationship is that often I find myself holding back even more than usual, waiting for the catch. In other words, he will find something and shoot me down over it. Not to worry, I used to do it with my Mom and I now do it with my Dad all time. It's easy, just watch what you say.

Justin: There when no one else is, comes through middle of the night on the internet, answering questions I have not even asked. Really a saving grace.

Jolene: A rare one, but important. One of the few girls to make the list.

C: A new one to the list, has changed my life in ways I never thought possible and inspired many of my recent writing.

Speaking of which, as a writer, it is important to note each piece of inspiration as it comes along. Each tiny piece of love or pain I receive is in turn stored away and fed to a character for the story. It is all for the story.

I suppose that is what I really want. Every writer has at least one good story that they were made to tell, the secret is finding out what that story is. I am starting to find mine.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

I keep losing the battle. I try and keep my cool, take a deep breath, inaudibly so that he won't hear. My mind repeats over and over what he has just said,

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

It's just bouncing off of the inside of my head. Rebounding, and refusing to go away. I try and block it out, and focus on what is important, he is hurt, and he is trying to express that. What he just said was brutally honest, but I can easily forgive his honesty. What I cannot forgive is that I have allowed that to become the truth. I am upset that I have accepted Nat and Natalie as eternally bound. I am sorry for myself, sorry for hurting him, sorry for the sorry truth, all in one deep breath.

I think ahead, to graduation. I suppose I will work my ass off and get myself through Creighton. I thought that there was something here for me, but I was terribly wrong. There is nothing here but the past and my future sits in glistening halls on Creighton's campus inside the Dental School. I am fated to arrive there in August.

Deep breath, and swallow the truth once more. I have given everything for not.

"Looking back on the things I've done,
I was trying to be someone,
trying to play my part,
I kept you in the dark. . .
Now let me show you the shape of my heart."

My greed has gotten ahead of me, and I no longer wish to be this that I am.

I look at my life, and all I want is work. All I want is to be so busy I do not have time to think.

Little to anyone's knowledge, I have not taken my medication in probably three weeks. I have not seen Dr. Davison, and I am no longer talking to my family about personal stuff. I have been dismissed by Dominic, turned out by my Father, accepted by Mr. Penn (the AcaDec coach I loathe), applied for four jobs, studied harder than ever before, gained more fish, and found that I am not at all alive. I survive. It is what I was built to do.

There is no God. I see that now.

There is no hope in love.

There is no place on this lowly green and blue planet for pain-in-the-ass girls like myself.

There is no way I was meant to be a girl. There is no way that I can live as if I should be. The grass will always be greener on the other side, because I am standing in dry dirt. The forsaken land. This empty chest I hold, this empty vessel, this overturned cup of sin. I would give it all away.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard as well, but what makes it worse is, I have wanted to say it for a long time, but tonight was the first time I had the chance.

Nat is fighting, by telling you what is going on, but no one can see that. So I twiddle my thumbs, wash my hands a few dozen more times in a row, curl up into fetal position with my clothes on, and sleep in utter paranoia.

Ian

I was reading a very interesting book tonight, and despite the fact that I NEEDED to know what happened to Verna, the main character, my mind drifted away. Suddenly I found myself trying to keep up with my eyes as they continued to move across the page over the words, but when I went to turn the page I knew that I had not comprehended anything that I had read in the past thirty seconds. I momentarily closed the book and thought back to a conversation I had only an hour earlier.

My Poet called me tonight, and when I looked at the caller ID, my heart skipped a beat. It was the same cell phone number from the night before. Kirk's cell phone that was being used by Ian to call me.

I had idly hoped earlier in the day that Ian might call me, but realizing that his phone was out of the service area, I had accepted the fact that there was another twenty-four hours standing in the way of communication. However, he borrowed his buddy's phone to call me anyway.

Last night, or rather, early this morning, two of my beta fish died. I suppose that only one is really mine, technically. I know for sure that I purchased Sophie with my own money, so you could say that she was my fish, but Ian was with me, and we bought them together, excited and laughing. At some point, it does not even matter who buys, but rather, who is there. Ganymede was definitely both of ours though. No, they were both our fish. We both love them, and we both would watch each other's fish at any given moment, just because the other had requested it. We are single parents who swap duties to make sure all of the children, (fish), are cared for.

We already had one die before, Kore, and we had been deeply hurt by that loss. I had spent several hours last night, despite the illness I am currently harboring, staying by the tank, bringing Sophie and Ganymede gently up for air on regular intervals when they were too weak to swim up themselves. In the beginning it was a miracle. Two fish I assumed were dead began moving when I uttered the words "God, please let them live! What will I tell Ian if they die?" They did live, but only for a while longer. I watched as their scales went from a deathly black to their original color, then turned white and their movements became weak, indicating their imminent doom.

They died several hours after I had witnessed a miraculous recovery. They were just fish, but they were my fish, my baby girls. I had no idea what to say to Ian. Later, I could not help not going to the store to fill their space, and I ended up with three new fish. As crazy as it sounds, I did not want the other three fish to be lonely. Ganymede and Sophie were the originals, the big sisters of the fish tank, and I adored their constant rivalry.

I have digressed, this is about the phone call. When Ian called, despite how I needed to tell him, I wanted to hear about his day. I did not want to ruin it for him. He was so excited, and I was so glad that he got to go skiing. Sometimes school can be too much, and he really loves being on those runs, I wish I could make it so he could ski everyday, even though it would mean I would be away from him.

Finally I said,
"Ian, I have some bad new."
"One of the fish died."
"No, we lost both of them."

The silence on the other end was deafening, I felt his pain because I felt it too. I had felt it all day. It is moments of despair that make me respect life as a gift even more.


"I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry, you didn't do it."
"It wouldn't have happened if you had been watching them."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I. . . Can't."
"There you go. You have no reason to be sorry."
"It was still my fault. I went to the pet store today."
"Oh. We have more fish, don't we?" His voice brightened slightly. I was happy for it.
"Yes, we do. Three in fact."

Our conversation continued on and we told each other that we loved the other and hung up. I miss him terribly.

What drew me out of my reading, however, was what he said in those few lines where we discussed the fish.
'WE have more fish, don't WE?'

Never before has anyone just assumed that they were part of it. They are our fish. He is not running away, he is not making them his, but they are ours. We are a crazy family, those 10 fish and us. In some way, it meant more to me than anything else I have heard him say about us, because it was not him trying to explain it. It was fact. It was a given in the proof.

I felt safer in that moment, than I have ever been with anyone. No matter what our problems, no matter how deep he gets in it, no matter how far down I sink myself, we have someone there.

Our crazy, mixed up family.

Now that I think about it, that was my miracle. Seeing the two fish come back was unreal, I cannot imagine even explaining it in words, but this, this beats even that. This is love, real, tangible, and something that everyone can believe it. It is love based on trust.

Thank you Ian. Thank you.

Burning To Tell You

You know what it's like
when you like the person, but you never can quite get it out?

It's like your sentences
never run
together
and each part just keeps running on in your mind
but your lips never catch up?

I feel that way sometimes when I think of him
and tears well up deep inside me
Because I will never have him like I should.
I will never be able to hold him like I used to
and when I talk to him now
all I hear is the happy voice of him
moving on.

Far away and still running
I can taste the memory of what we should have been
and I am still crying
Hoping that he will know.

It was supposed to be us!
I know I have wrecked it all,
but it should have been us!
Doesn't he know what it takes!
All I want is him!

But I cannot.
I am here and
he is still there
moving on,
smiles in his voice
and his talk of his future.

It used to ours.
My future and his
combined into one.
But now it is simply that,
his
and
mine.

Different lines, different times
Places
Completely unique,
and my mind keeps going faster than my lips
when all I want to do is beg for his love.

But it is gone.

I wish he knew how much I need him
Like cinnamon on applesauce,
he just fit.
But I will never taste it again
so maybe I should just put the applesauce up
because I think it has gone bad anyway.

Matthew

He was the one, my first high school crush. I thought that eventually my last name would be his, that his body would be beside me every night when I went to sleep. When our relationship began, we got along like nothing I could have imagined. It would be only one week before I could tell him I loved him, and I meant it with everything I had. He was perfect in my eyes, and I could not see anyone besides him. I was so honored that he saw something in me, because all that I saw in myself was flaw. Even after he became mine and I was his, I desperately wanted him. I needed us to be together, nothing before had ever been so perfect!

Even at that time, there were two of us. There was Nat, who was afraid of doing anything out of line that might cause him to stop loving me. Natalie was silent, waiting in the back, patiently biding her time. Two beautiful months passed with Matt and Nat, then Natalie made her treacherous step into the situation. Violence and impatience upset the balance and soon he did not know who I even was, but we kept working on our relationship. He changed as well, perhaps there is two of him now, but whatever the case, my heart began to break.

After a year and six months we were finished. While we will never be together another time, Nat cannot let him go. Yet I, Natalie, know that she is clever, she will save others by keeping them from us, keeping them out of my clutches. Sweet little Nat, to her, every emotion is precious; every moment in love means another portion of happiness that she can store away for later. Her lost virginity was a pure gift of love which now I can only thank her for. What she did out of innocence and goodness I have easily corrupted. Sex would now be nothing to me, but to her it is still an act of love and trust. I would gladly corrupt her body; break her for my own pleasure. With the help of another, I would rape her, take everything she has left, but I have yet to find a consenting male.

So, now I have taken this. What started out as hers, this piece of writing is now simply what I dictate to her. You may ask why I even bother allowing Nat to survive at all. Well, I will tell you. Just look at her! She is good, she is brilliant, and she is so much fun to torture! No other person would dare to come near us and trust us if it were not for her! Never could I write as she does, and while she hopes to destroy me, she cannot! I loom over her, over powing all her actions. Without me she would be nothing! She would have no voice and she would never gain anything! It is my determination that lets her succeed and eventually she will be able to do nothing but give thanks for everything I have done and beg for her life.

She is silly, fickle, and begging me even now to stop! I smile, spit in her face and take this blog. Ha! I laugh at her useless efforts! Oh Nat, you are so lost, but do not worry, I will take good care of you and your friends.

To all our readers, she will be fine. Do not let her worry you with internal matters that no longer concern you. From now on, it is the reign of Natalie!

Two Different Me's

After every word you say, no matter who "you" turns out to be, I am calculating my responses before you have even finished a statement. I determine what you want to hear, or versions of it, and which version I will be able to deliver with the right combination of inflection from my voice, so that you will believe me.

I never meant to lie, but now it is out of control. There is the inner me, which wants to beg you to help, show you how desperate I really am for affection, acceptance, and love, and then there is the more outspoken me, which silences what I am really feeling to give you what she feels you need to hear.

You believe I am all right, but I am dying so much on the inside. By the time the stronger me is finished, there will no longer be any traces of the old me. As of right now, the inner me still has pretty good control over what goes into my blog, but I fear that as the number of people who are hurt by my blog increases, than my outer self will have more and more control.

I beg of you, HELP ME. I send out my SOS in the hopes that someone will be able to reach me before it is too late.

I have gotten back to listening to other people hang up before me. I always hope that the silent inner me will be able to speak up, while the outer me forces me to stay there by the phone, listening as yet another person walks away without ever knowing.

I think about it, and I am horrified. I have created my own abuser. I destroy myself, and you don't even know it. You never know when a person is in an abusive relationship, but I am telling you, she wants me dead. I do not know how long I can beat her.

There is me, the real me, the small, insignificant me, emotional and caring me, there is Nat. Then there is Natalie, the destroyer, the evil manifestation of my frustration who is determined to win. Natalie's competitive spirit, perseverance, and general loud and convincing nature makes it impossible for me to win.

I feel as though I am writing and trying to beat a terminal illness with my words. Make myself immortal through my writing. When I am gone, just know that I love you all, and I always will.

-Nat

"I doubt if it will be much longer before time takes my Poet from me."

Only sixteen hours before I typed the above fated words into my blog, and as I looked into his eyes, he was gone. My Poet has left me.

In all honesty, he is the first man ever to accomplish the feat. He ran away from me before I could run from him. I had considered running last night, and fought against myself with strength I never believed I had and stayed. Then, God forced him to move on. His personal life and issues have made it so that he cannot keep up a relationship right now. I accept that, and cannot stop loving him, despite the torment I now face.

I tried not to cry. We are friends, and there is no profit in the tears, but they kept welling up inside of me. The worst part was, he had let me run away for the last two months and finally rejoiced at my return only 6 days before. At least I had 6 days with him.

Now, some may say that perhaps he will get better, and that I should be optimistic and hope for the future, but I know that I will never have him again. When he does feel better, someone else will take my place, and I will blink back the tears to celebrate his happiness. I have lost something very close to me, but at least I had it for a time.

Real love! Burning passion and desire that left me only filled to the brim with contentment. Kisses that said everything without a single word! How can I be upset when I got to have just a piece of real joy for six whole days?

We had considered going further physically today than ever before, which would have potentially made me his first, but he backed out and stood next to his morals. While my weakness and sexual frustration left me grappling for his reason, I soon discovered that he has inner strength I can only hope to attain, and I admire him even more now. I am glad that we did not go further. I am glad that I am not for him.

I am so happy that he is free of this, and I hope that she will love him the way he deserves to be loved. I hope that the girl that does lay in his arms everyday knows how lucky she is, and what sort of gift God has granted her! I hope that she knows what others, namely me, would be willing to give to be where she is.

I will toast my Poet at his wedding, and I will be ever glad for his happiness.

Tonight, I weep, do not doubt that I cry for my loss more than I can explain. Yet, I smile, knowing that I was able to give my love exactly what he desired without trying to hold him to myself.

You are free.

I will be here for you, broken hearted but ready to make you smile, anytime you need me.

My cell-phone is always on.

Check Out This Site

I figure this will probably be where I am at in about 5 months when I move out of this godforsaken house and into somewhere small with way too many people crammed in between. Or perhaps I will be the "flatmate" everyone chooses to loathe. Hell if I know, I am going to go ahead and go burn myself, or just blog away all my feelings.

It's weird what sort of blogs are out there, and who you can really find if you look hard enough.

http://ihatemyflatmate.blogspot.com/

C,if you decided to check out my blog again, you taught me something important today that I will never forget, we should always be grateful for what we have. Even in your rants, you accepted that there are many who would die for what you have, and that is amazingly intuitive. You have changed my perspective, thank you.

Breeding Beta Fish on Valentine's Day

Hallmark Holiday, gag. My throat still burns. Yeah flu!

As I was lying in bed today I thought back and realized how much I still love my first. I cannot let him go, despite the fact that neither of us is who we used to be.

At the same time, I look up to the eyes of a man who holds me just to be there, in that moment, with me. I am cheating him with my thoughts, and the guilt is slowly killing me.

I hate love. I just want to be free.

You wanna know the worst part? I will never have either of them. Our lives continue in different directions, I doubt if it will be much longer before time takes my Poet from me.

"Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?" -Eminem

What point is there in writing? What point is there in this life? Love never has, nor ever will, conquered/conquer evil.

I die for nothing. I will never have what I desire because this life, this world, THIS GOD, you all worship, refuses to allow it! What was my sin? Why was I charged with the care of a woman over double my age and her two sons? Why do I have to carry the guilt of something I NEVER ONCE asked for??? Why do I sit here in anger trying to explain what is real to the ignorant?!

Why do I waste myself on useless toils? Why do I attempt to be a good person? There is nothing inside but bad and hate. I will tear you all down, and take you to where I have come from so that you too may see my pain!

Know what it feels like to live your life in ridicule. Let you know how worthless you truly are. Let you suffer at night, crying yourself to sleep while you muffle your sobs and listen for foot steps above your head. Let you wish that you could walk, but stare at the cool gray beautiful blue eyes of your brother and know that there is a reason yet to fight, then WATCH, HELPLESS, as he becomes more of a cynic than yourself! Let you know what it feels like to never satisfy your family, never achieve their praise minus the compassion your innocent younger siblings give you. Watch as they are ruined, as those around you STEAL your family and take credit for the things you have given BLOOD for.

Worry about your tumors, but do not speak up because your father could not possibly afford it while he buys his girlfriend a new jacket and about ten other things for Valentine's day. Know that you will never be his first choice for anything. Know that despite all your work, everyone thinks you are crazy, and you are!

I want to "dust-off" my arms so badly, but I know what you would say, Ian. I know the look on your face right now as you read that and I know that I break your heart with my broken actions.

"Take my advice, stay away from broken people." -White Oleander

Long Lost Virginity

There's a place at the top of a ski lift in Angel Fire, New Mexico, where I could just stand and take in the view for hours. It was there that I first remember thanking God for everything I had, and it is no surprise why. During the summer, you can hike on up to the top and look out over a ridge and you can inhale deep the piney sweet air. The clouds will hang over the valley below, and you know, you just know, that it is right. During the winter, the air in front becomes your cloud that slips out from between your speechless lips to drift lazily out beyond the overhang, and melt before your eyes and give way to the spectacular view.

I wish I was there tonight. I wish I felt that same God filled feeling that I first found while wearing polka-dotted pants that Alex ridiculed as we hiked through valleys and avoided bears. I wish I was six again, that I still believed my Dad was the best man I would ever meet, and that my parents would be together forever. I wish I was fearless, scared of nothing except for my older brothers' harsh words. I wish that Louie was still that older dork that I wanted desperately to be. I wish that I could still feel safe in bed.

Actually, I do not think I ever felt safe in bed.

I wish that I could have my first love holding my hands again, the only expectation being a potential kiss at the end of the date. I wish that I had saved myself. I wish that I could believe that there is someone out there for me.

I wish I did not hate God and I REALLY wish that I did not teach CCD and have to convince my students to believe something that I do not.

I wish I could drink this all away like I used to. I wish I could stop crying. I wish someone would slap me, ground me, and tell me that I am a horrible person. I wish that my mother was here to tickle my arms with her dry finger tips that would wear away my skin with her coarse love. That is how it always was, even when she showed love, it was bittersweet.

I wish that Alex knew how hard it was for Mom to come out to New York with me. I wish he knew how anxious I was. I wish my family knew how scared I was taking her out of town under my jurisdiction when she had been in the hospital one week prior. I wish they knew what it feels like to hold an adult in their arms as she cries her heart out because she is suffering from withdrawal.

I wish I did not hate Julia for all the things my Dad does for her that he never did for Mommy. I wish that Godiva did not chew up my books because she feels so alone now that my Mom is gone and is dying for her love like I am.

I wish that I did not run away from love, and I am sorry to everyone I have hurt. I wish it did not kill me to know that I cannot have you forever. I wish I had not tried to seduce you, and I wish that you would walk away.

I wish that people did not need me. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I KILLED HER?

I wish that she would stop haunting me! I wish that I could sleep one night without nightmares! I wish that I did not feel as though God had abandoned me. I wish that my Mom could see that I won. I won! Mama, I won! Please, be there, just once! I am Student Body President! I got into Creighton! I made the AcaDec team! I am taking care of your, my, sons! Look at these medals from state! Look at them, please! Open your eyes!

But you are ever cold. You never saw. I fail you with every success I complete too late. I cannot breathe for the guilt!

I have served my penance! LORD, TAKE THIS CROSS FROM ME!

I wish someone would read this tonight and feel my loneliness. I wish that someone could reach me cold and hard heart. It is dark and desperate now. Forget me, I am already gone.

But ye, I wish that you all could see the view I remember now. It is beautiful, and tonight, I feel its solitude. It is lonely also. The deep cry of the mountain fills my own heart, and the hole inside my heart could not be filled by all the rocks that compose that beautiful perspective that takes my memory by surprise.

I Should Be Sleeping

Currently all of my underwear is in the wash, so I am going commando in sweatpants as I type this.

It hurts to swallow, and it hurts to breathe. My nose is stuffed up, and my joints are sore, especially my neck. My sinuses are stuffed beyond imagination, and I should be sleeping but I cannot.

My Love!
All I can think about is you. I want you by my side. You make me feel beautiful, you make me feel real. When I am near you, I do not have to fear what others make think, because you are far less judgmental of me than I could ever be for myself. You accept and love me with everything you have and I wish I could give you back a fraction of what you give to me.

You terrify me, excited me, exhilarate my senses. You drive me wild beyond belief. All I want is you!

My poet, my sweet, sweet Shakespeare! Speak to me with the eloquence I never knew a man could possess. Captivate me with your mysterious eyes!

Oh, HOW I LONG FOR THEE!

Dominic, my youngest brother has now joined the cast of my readers, so welcome to him! As a warning to you all again, you read what I write, that is not my problem. I refuse to censor myself for someone else's benefit. If anything I ever say hurts you in ANY way, then stop reading. Do not force me upon you.

Justin, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you buddy, your hugs mean more to me than I will ever be able to explain.
Jolene, I cannot wait until your hot ass makes its way into town with Starla! I'm so fucking pumped about it!
Ian, you already know you are my pookie! Oh, before I forget, what's the password?
Matt, please take care of yourself, that is more important than anything else right now.
Dominic, you know you are my favorite. I am so going to be your soccer-mom forever, so never worry that I won't be here to support you!
Leanne, if you are reading, you know you are totally my new best-friend and I would do anything you needed me to, no questions asked.
Jake, you're the best.
To Graham and Kellen, if you still read this, that's awesome and all three of us need to get together soon.

I put ya'll in no particular order, and if I left someone off, do not take it personally. Currently I am tripping out on Nyquil and need to be sleeping, but that is another story.

GOODNIGHT ALL OF YA!

Another Tumor?

Deep breaths, just take deep breaths.

Ok, so last year I had to have two surgeries on my boobs for the removal of some tumors that were there. Age 16/17 and I had to live every day wondering if that day was the last day that I lived as someone without cancer.

I discovered the first bump in the shower, and one month later I was scheduling a date for surgery.

It gave me a lot to thing about. Anyway, tonight I itched on my left breast and I went to scratch it, but I rubbed deep into my skin and felt an all too familiar bump just under the skin.

My dad reminded me last night how much of a waste of money I am already. It's bad, but right now I am hoping that I don't have cancer so that my Dad will not have to pay.

Anyway, I'm going to go "feel myself up" to check and verify the findings of a few minutes ago. I will update ya'll when it comes.

I love you!
-Nat

My summer night in winter

Crawling up the sheets to me you came, inching forward with expectation in your heart. Your soft bare skin met mine and you cocked your head to look down at me. Caressing me, I felt you inside and I knew in that moment that this was right. Despite what 'sin' they may name it, I know the truth. There is love in your actions, there was, and there always will be. For that you will be my poet, by my side or away, you are the sweet sonnet of my existence. You are my ecstasy, my bliss, you are my vibrant longing fulfilled. You are with me now, and I know you.

One night of love in your bedroom locked away from the rest of the world, I found love for the first time. Real honest love, and you saved me.

Thank you. I will always love you.

Lain Waste

Lord,

The gifts you gave me are not being used. I know not what my duty is nor where I must travel. The journey continues on but I have dampened the once bright light you cast upon my trail. I do not even know if I travel in the right direction. It is night and I cannot see the horizon for the trees. I have sold you out, but I still ask myself one thing. Am I the Christian Judas or Simon Peter? Can I still repent or must I hang the noose about my neck in despair?

Lord, how I have lusted after your acceptance! Yet, even now I am scared to ask for forgiveness. I do not feel your unending love because I do not deserve it.

Desert me, I beg of you! Leave me in my dirtiness! I am not worthy of this grace, this beauty you let me see! You gift me with the future, the past, and the present, and still I fail thee! Your daughter I am now, caressing your feet in hypocrisy while I curse you with my actions! Every sin becomes a brick in the wall that separates us eternally.

I have crushed your creation, your amazing immaculate picture, and I can no longer look in your eyes. Your empire is lain waste and my guilty stance gives away my lack of worth.

Oh Lady, Sir, my God and Savior!
Whatever name you claim now!

I love thee more than I can ever tell you

But you already know

You are my fire and radiance, my reason to strive forth

I call thee today for assistance

Light my path and give strength to my broken hands!

José

Met a boy at State AcaDec. He's on the Belen team. By the way, we won, by a landslide, I am really proud of my teammates, they deserved the win.

As for me, I guess the only real win was the fact that I got some Betas, José's number, and I got to see my family win. That's what they are, my teammates are my family. I would give my heart if one of them needed it.

I stared up from my bed sheets tonight, book laying open on my leg to keep the page, blanket wrapped around me like a cocoon, and I realized for the first time that there was no beautiful butterfly waiting to come out. I have already taken flight. I flutter on the gentle weeds as an ugly black moth, hideously eyeing the leftover blossoms, the used nectar. I want nothing more, but you insist on seeing something more than me.

Your dark eyes call to me and grasp something deep within me. You are my poet, my dark and mysterious love. I cannot breathe for fear of the movement. I am scared to do anything to lose you, but at the same time I know that I push you away with every brush of my soft wings. I am merely trying to stay afloat, but you are falling again, and my tears only weigh you down.

I hate that I am scared to tell you everything. I hate that I cannot kiss you because I cannot commit. I hate that I know what we could both have, but I turn it down. I choose to fly away like the wind, let you believe that I do not want you, so that I do not hurt you further.

I will say it again, I wish you loved someone else. My broken hands cannot reach for you, and my bite would destroy you even if I could.

Everything has to be a competition, and I must win. Even conversations now include a winner, a loser, a draw. I accept defeat no longer, and I drive myself crazy with the voices of my mind.

I twitch in anticipation, in anxiety, in relaxation. Nothing satisfies me, not even for the moment. The dog at my feet shudders with sweet dreams and I cannot bring myself to accept her as she is.

Time is not linear, and because of this, I am forever with you, forever in your arms, and forever in your anguish, in your pain. We are both together and apart for all of eternity. I am dead and alive, I am speechless and talking, all in the same moment, all in my mind.

Black walls creep throughout the house, and I am alone in a corner. Tired of being creative, tired of being inadequate, tired of being told I'm beautiful when I can see the truth. I break the mirrors with my hands in order to distort the horror I see staring back at me.

Dark spot on your lower lip, and all I want is your plush pink softness pushing up against mine in intimacy. Tear my heart out and eat for the pain it would save.

Go Chicago 2005, Cteam.

NatalieSPX.blogspot.com

I will be changing this current address because there is one of my readers that has become very dangerous and refuses to leave me alone. Please email me whenever you read this and I will let you know what my next site is. It will be a lot of work because I think that I will eventually be able to move the entire blog, but we will have to see how it goes. I might just have a bare site for a while until it is safer to expand. I am sorry on behalf of my stalker friend that you guys will have to do this, but I will talk to ya'll separately about this at a later time.

Make Up Sex and Beta Fish

State is tomorrow and I am terrified. My speech is not nearly ready, and there is not much time to fix it. I hate this. I have been a jerk to almost everyone because someone else cut me deeply yesterday. My bad mood leaves me shaking in anger wanting to physically hurt others. I am tired of this, but I suck it up and go back into studying.

There is nothing harder than this moment.

I take and deep breath and dive back in.