Breeding Beta Fish on Valentine's Day
Hallmark Holiday, gag. My throat still burns. Yeah flu!
As I was lying in bed today I thought back and realized how much I still love my first. I cannot let him go, despite the fact that neither of us is who we used to be.
At the same time, I look up to the eyes of a man who holds me just to be there, in that moment, with me. I am cheating him with my thoughts, and the guilt is slowly killing me.
I hate love. I just want to be free.
You wanna know the worst part? I will never have either of them. Our lives continue in different directions, I doubt if it will be much longer before time takes my Poet from me.
"Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?" -Eminem
What point is there in writing? What point is there in this life? Love never has, nor ever will, conquered/conquer evil.
I die for nothing. I will never have what I desire because this life, this world, THIS GOD, you all worship, refuses to allow it! What was my sin? Why was I charged with the care of a woman over double my age and her two sons? Why do I have to carry the guilt of something I NEVER ONCE asked for??? Why do I sit here in anger trying to explain what is real to the ignorant?!
Why do I waste myself on useless toils? Why do I attempt to be a good person? There is nothing inside but bad and hate. I will tear you all down, and take you to where I have come from so that you too may see my pain!
Know what it feels like to live your life in ridicule. Let you know how worthless you truly are. Let you suffer at night, crying yourself to sleep while you muffle your sobs and listen for foot steps above your head. Let you wish that you could walk, but stare at the cool gray beautiful blue eyes of your brother and know that there is a reason yet to fight, then WATCH, HELPLESS, as he becomes more of a cynic than yourself! Let you know what it feels like to never satisfy your family, never achieve their praise minus the compassion your innocent younger siblings give you. Watch as they are ruined, as those around you STEAL your family and take credit for the things you have given BLOOD for.
Worry about your tumors, but do not speak up because your father could not possibly afford it while he buys his girlfriend a new jacket and about ten other things for Valentine's day. Know that you will never be his first choice for anything. Know that despite all your work, everyone thinks you are crazy, and you are!
I want to "dust-off" my arms so badly, but I know what you would say, Ian. I know the look on your face right now as you read that and I know that I break your heart with my broken actions.
"Take my advice, stay away from broken people." -White Oleander
As I was lying in bed today I thought back and realized how much I still love my first. I cannot let him go, despite the fact that neither of us is who we used to be.
At the same time, I look up to the eyes of a man who holds me just to be there, in that moment, with me. I am cheating him with my thoughts, and the guilt is slowly killing me.
I hate love. I just want to be free.
You wanna know the worst part? I will never have either of them. Our lives continue in different directions, I doubt if it will be much longer before time takes my Poet from me.
"Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?" -Eminem
What point is there in writing? What point is there in this life? Love never has, nor ever will, conquered/conquer evil.
I die for nothing. I will never have what I desire because this life, this world, THIS GOD, you all worship, refuses to allow it! What was my sin? Why was I charged with the care of a woman over double my age and her two sons? Why do I have to carry the guilt of something I NEVER ONCE asked for??? Why do I sit here in anger trying to explain what is real to the ignorant?!
Why do I waste myself on useless toils? Why do I attempt to be a good person? There is nothing inside but bad and hate. I will tear you all down, and take you to where I have come from so that you too may see my pain!
Know what it feels like to live your life in ridicule. Let you know how worthless you truly are. Let you suffer at night, crying yourself to sleep while you muffle your sobs and listen for foot steps above your head. Let you wish that you could walk, but stare at the cool gray beautiful blue eyes of your brother and know that there is a reason yet to fight, then WATCH, HELPLESS, as he becomes more of a cynic than yourself! Let you know what it feels like to never satisfy your family, never achieve their praise minus the compassion your innocent younger siblings give you. Watch as they are ruined, as those around you STEAL your family and take credit for the things you have given BLOOD for.
Worry about your tumors, but do not speak up because your father could not possibly afford it while he buys his girlfriend a new jacket and about ten other things for Valentine's day. Know that you will never be his first choice for anything. Know that despite all your work, everyone thinks you are crazy, and you are!
I want to "dust-off" my arms so badly, but I know what you would say, Ian. I know the look on your face right now as you read that and I know that I break your heart with my broken actions.
"Take my advice, stay away from broken people." -White Oleander
posted by Nat Rivera at 12:07 AM
1 Comments:
Wow. I never thought I would hear something to similar to my own life... in the way of pain. Ironic, I was looking for other decathletes... And I found your profile. I would tell you to cheer up, but I am not so naive. But, you are not alone in your suffering. Misery loves company, hmm?
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