Long Lost Virginity

There's a place at the top of a ski lift in Angel Fire, New Mexico, where I could just stand and take in the view for hours. It was there that I first remember thanking God for everything I had, and it is no surprise why. During the summer, you can hike on up to the top and look out over a ridge and you can inhale deep the piney sweet air. The clouds will hang over the valley below, and you know, you just know, that it is right. During the winter, the air in front becomes your cloud that slips out from between your speechless lips to drift lazily out beyond the overhang, and melt before your eyes and give way to the spectacular view.

I wish I was there tonight. I wish I felt that same God filled feeling that I first found while wearing polka-dotted pants that Alex ridiculed as we hiked through valleys and avoided bears. I wish I was six again, that I still believed my Dad was the best man I would ever meet, and that my parents would be together forever. I wish I was fearless, scared of nothing except for my older brothers' harsh words. I wish that Louie was still that older dork that I wanted desperately to be. I wish that I could still feel safe in bed.

Actually, I do not think I ever felt safe in bed.

I wish that I could have my first love holding my hands again, the only expectation being a potential kiss at the end of the date. I wish that I had saved myself. I wish that I could believe that there is someone out there for me.

I wish I did not hate God and I REALLY wish that I did not teach CCD and have to convince my students to believe something that I do not.

I wish I could drink this all away like I used to. I wish I could stop crying. I wish someone would slap me, ground me, and tell me that I am a horrible person. I wish that my mother was here to tickle my arms with her dry finger tips that would wear away my skin with her coarse love. That is how it always was, even when she showed love, it was bittersweet.

I wish that Alex knew how hard it was for Mom to come out to New York with me. I wish he knew how anxious I was. I wish my family knew how scared I was taking her out of town under my jurisdiction when she had been in the hospital one week prior. I wish they knew what it feels like to hold an adult in their arms as she cries her heart out because she is suffering from withdrawal.

I wish I did not hate Julia for all the things my Dad does for her that he never did for Mommy. I wish that Godiva did not chew up my books because she feels so alone now that my Mom is gone and is dying for her love like I am.

I wish that I did not run away from love, and I am sorry to everyone I have hurt. I wish it did not kill me to know that I cannot have you forever. I wish I had not tried to seduce you, and I wish that you would walk away.

I wish that people did not need me. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I KILLED HER?

I wish that she would stop haunting me! I wish that I could sleep one night without nightmares! I wish that I did not feel as though God had abandoned me. I wish that my Mom could see that I won. I won! Mama, I won! Please, be there, just once! I am Student Body President! I got into Creighton! I made the AcaDec team! I am taking care of your, my, sons! Look at these medals from state! Look at them, please! Open your eyes!

But you are ever cold. You never saw. I fail you with every success I complete too late. I cannot breathe for the guilt!

I have served my penance! LORD, TAKE THIS CROSS FROM ME!

I wish someone would read this tonight and feel my loneliness. I wish that someone could reach me cold and hard heart. It is dark and desperate now. Forget me, I am already gone.

But ye, I wish that you all could see the view I remember now. It is beautiful, and tonight, I feel its solitude. It is lonely also. The deep cry of the mountain fills my own heart, and the hole inside my heart could not be filled by all the rocks that compose that beautiful perspective that takes my memory by surprise.