Empty Promises
Sexual frustration hits its peak again this week. I was perfectly fine with not getting any, but the problem is/was that I was in the close proximity of getting rid of the frustration, but it was all empty promises. Not to say the person intended for it to be, but that's how my life seems to turn out.
I used to be hurt by the fact that often people do not say what they really mean, or do not stick by their word, but honesty is for fools. I once believed that honesty was the most powerful force I could wield as a weapon, but it ended up being a joke. Honesty saves nothing, and now I never seem to expect it, which makes me feel bad for being so cynical to people I can trust.
This weekend blew, hard. I was really sick of life by the end of it, and I wish that I still had another day of it just to get over the madness. First off, I have been dehydrating myself. No, Natalie has been dehydrating Nat as some sort of sick tool to get me to do whatever the hell it is that she wants. Now I talk about both of them in third person, I guess there is three of us, eh? Yes, I know that I am bloody insane, you do not have to repeat it! Just shut up! Who asked you to judge me anyway??
So I have had only about one glass of water every OTHER day for the last two weeks, and the rest of the time I was just drinking other fluids to try and compensate. Let me just say, it takes a lot of juice to try and hydrate a person. In addition, I have been really sick because of it and feeling like crap. When I get dehydrated enough I get really bad migraines, and Friday night was a good one.
Friday afternoon I got into a fight with Ian, one of the first that really cut me deep. Sometimes I have to wonder if it will ever be as it was before Valentine's day. Crap, I haven't told ya'll about the gift he gave me! I'll have to put in a separate entry for that.
After that Ian was hanging out with Renny, and I did not think about calling Jolene, despite the fact that she was in town, until about eleven pm, so basically I spent the late afternoon/early evening of Friday stuck at my house, not drinking water, trying to fight off this headache. I played about two hours of Mario Tennis with Dominic and then I managed to pass out on my bed after giving my Tarantula water. Later, my Dad came home and we all went bowling.
Take one migraine headache, mix in annoying family outing w/ discussion about college, one out of place girlfriend of my father's, Nachos, and the noise level of a bowling alley w/ flashing lights because it is "starlight bowling." Product? One very sick and nauseous Natalie.
I thought I was going to pass out. I drank a lot of water that night.
Saturday morning the vet came and took a look at my horse's penis, let me know that it was very infected and that I might have to squeeze it twice daily for about twenty minutes each time in order to assist the healing process. Amazingly, I was not phased. After nursing back to health practically every animal on this god-forsaken property, I am not surprised by anything. I then took a cold shower because the hot water was completely off, and then watched two out of the three Back to the Future movies while doing Physics.
I got to go to lunch w/ Quentin, Julia, and my Dad because my brothers bailed, and then I came home and avoided Quentin's sexual advances. After changing because I had plans to go see Jolene, I got sick again due to lack of water, and fell asleep on my bed. About twenty minutes later, I got back up and called Ian. His previous estimate of 4:30 had been off, it was not looking to be 5:30-6:00. I hid my disappointment. I had spent the last twenty-four hours hoping for redeemer, but there was not one to be found.
Finally, Ian came over and that was way cool. We hung out for a while and watched a movie, then made our way to Twister's for some food. Jolene called me about that time and directed us to Dion's where Ian and I finished our Twister's burritos. After that, we drove to a friend's house where there was a big party going on. Jacob was already there drinking, and when he gets drunk, he needs an entire team (Ian and I) to get him home safely. So even though the party was pretty cool, we didn't get to stay long because we needed to get Jake to my house. So I said goodbye to Jolene, and the first party I have had the opportunity to really experience with my peers and walked away.
Oh well. We got high at my house and that was pretty cool I guess. More than anything, that night just increased the frustration. Ian made me drink a little glass of water, and I made him promise that anytime he was with me he should make sure I am drinking water, he promised he would.
By today, that promise was mostly forgotten. I have not had any water since lunch, and it was half a glass.
I thought I had more homework than I did and that Paula and I would have to meet up to practice our Duo for State, and so then I stayed home and did not hang out with Kellen while my family went to see "Constantine" without me.
Ian came over to hang out but he was exhausted. He slept for about two hours while I kind of just dicked-around. I had planned on leaving over to Barne's and Noble, but I did not want to leave him alone, so I stayed and watched the end of about four movies before Matt called and talked to me for a long time. Matthew died this weekend. I now have to get over my feelings for him for real. Before, I had just stored them away, an optimistic part of me hoping that someday, somewhere, love would win the battle and we would get what we started out in quest for. Matt has made it clear that he no longer believes that is ever possible, and it is about time Natalie recognized that. Nat has already moved on, trying for the things that will work, not the lost causes. After getting to give out some relationship advice to Matt, I got to suck in a deep breath and swallow the tears. I was proud that I did not shed a tear.
It is over. He is dead, and I must learn that the man I was in a relationship with is gone. We are no longer those people. Besides, I am his friend, and it is my duty to be there for him, no matter what. Emotions are no excuse anymore.
Finallyafter deciding to get off my ass and clean out the fish, I pulled myself off the couch. About that time Paula called me and let me know that I should work on my DI and speech which are due Tuesday (haven't started either BTW), and so we called off our practice. Ian awoke just in time to help me and then we got to clean up my room and talk about life. He gave me the option of bolting, and it took all of my being not to run away one last time. I have so many problems with commitment it is unreal. Thus, the reason I will never marry.
Watched a bit of the Oscars. Felt sick thinking about the McDonald's my family was eating (ewww, fast food). I get so turned off by everything fried unless it comes from two specific locations of both Twister's and Panda Express. One thing that makes me feel better about this weekend, I could have had worse. Ian had worse for sures, so I feel pretty lucky to just have been abandoned and feeling loneliness. I might as well get used to it. You all read this and know how I feel, and despite what you may do for me, eventually we will all disband and become like friends who perhaps call each other around the holidays to have awkward small talk for five minutes, if we even get that far.
Got sexually frustrated right before Carnivale, was promised some help, but Carnivale ended and we said goodnight. I do not blame him, he has got a lot going on, and it does not really even matter anyway. I suppose I am just getting too needy. ::sigh:: empty promises. . .
Empty promises float in and out of my life, and I just keep on trekking. No one can really understand, and I can no longer explain how I feel, because I am too far gone. I am a trapese artist performing without a net, but I do not know if anyone is going to catch me on the other end, so I never let go of the bar I am currently on. The problem, however, is that the ropes are slowly wearing away, so sometime in the future I will be falling to my death. Not like I really cared anyway.
Boy, I am kind of thirsty. . . Maybe she will let me drink water now! I am probably getting too hopeful, but I am going to go see.
Despite what I may have said, I want to be clear about my message in this blog, and it is that
THIS WEEKEND SUCKED.
I used to be hurt by the fact that often people do not say what they really mean, or do not stick by their word, but honesty is for fools. I once believed that honesty was the most powerful force I could wield as a weapon, but it ended up being a joke. Honesty saves nothing, and now I never seem to expect it, which makes me feel bad for being so cynical to people I can trust.
This weekend blew, hard. I was really sick of life by the end of it, and I wish that I still had another day of it just to get over the madness. First off, I have been dehydrating myself. No, Natalie has been dehydrating Nat as some sort of sick tool to get me to do whatever the hell it is that she wants. Now I talk about both of them in third person, I guess there is three of us, eh? Yes, I know that I am bloody insane, you do not have to repeat it! Just shut up! Who asked you to judge me anyway??
So I have had only about one glass of water every OTHER day for the last two weeks, and the rest of the time I was just drinking other fluids to try and compensate. Let me just say, it takes a lot of juice to try and hydrate a person. In addition, I have been really sick because of it and feeling like crap. When I get dehydrated enough I get really bad migraines, and Friday night was a good one.
Friday afternoon I got into a fight with Ian, one of the first that really cut me deep. Sometimes I have to wonder if it will ever be as it was before Valentine's day. Crap, I haven't told ya'll about the gift he gave me! I'll have to put in a separate entry for that.
After that Ian was hanging out with Renny, and I did not think about calling Jolene, despite the fact that she was in town, until about eleven pm, so basically I spent the late afternoon/early evening of Friday stuck at my house, not drinking water, trying to fight off this headache. I played about two hours of Mario Tennis with Dominic and then I managed to pass out on my bed after giving my Tarantula water. Later, my Dad came home and we all went bowling.
Take one migraine headache, mix in annoying family outing w/ discussion about college, one out of place girlfriend of my father's, Nachos, and the noise level of a bowling alley w/ flashing lights because it is "starlight bowling." Product? One very sick and nauseous Natalie.
I thought I was going to pass out. I drank a lot of water that night.
Saturday morning the vet came and took a look at my horse's penis, let me know that it was very infected and that I might have to squeeze it twice daily for about twenty minutes each time in order to assist the healing process. Amazingly, I was not phased. After nursing back to health practically every animal on this god-forsaken property, I am not surprised by anything. I then took a cold shower because the hot water was completely off, and then watched two out of the three Back to the Future movies while doing Physics.
I got to go to lunch w/ Quentin, Julia, and my Dad because my brothers bailed, and then I came home and avoided Quentin's sexual advances. After changing because I had plans to go see Jolene, I got sick again due to lack of water, and fell asleep on my bed. About twenty minutes later, I got back up and called Ian. His previous estimate of 4:30 had been off, it was not looking to be 5:30-6:00. I hid my disappointment. I had spent the last twenty-four hours hoping for redeemer, but there was not one to be found.
Finally, Ian came over and that was way cool. We hung out for a while and watched a movie, then made our way to Twister's for some food. Jolene called me about that time and directed us to Dion's where Ian and I finished our Twister's burritos. After that, we drove to a friend's house where there was a big party going on. Jacob was already there drinking, and when he gets drunk, he needs an entire team (Ian and I) to get him home safely. So even though the party was pretty cool, we didn't get to stay long because we needed to get Jake to my house. So I said goodbye to Jolene, and the first party I have had the opportunity to really experience with my peers and walked away.
Oh well. We got high at my house and that was pretty cool I guess. More than anything, that night just increased the frustration. Ian made me drink a little glass of water, and I made him promise that anytime he was with me he should make sure I am drinking water, he promised he would.
By today, that promise was mostly forgotten. I have not had any water since lunch, and it was half a glass.
I thought I had more homework than I did and that Paula and I would have to meet up to practice our Duo for State, and so then I stayed home and did not hang out with Kellen while my family went to see "Constantine" without me.
Ian came over to hang out but he was exhausted. He slept for about two hours while I kind of just dicked-around. I had planned on leaving over to Barne's and Noble, but I did not want to leave him alone, so I stayed and watched the end of about four movies before Matt called and talked to me for a long time. Matthew died this weekend. I now have to get over my feelings for him for real. Before, I had just stored them away, an optimistic part of me hoping that someday, somewhere, love would win the battle and we would get what we started out in quest for. Matt has made it clear that he no longer believes that is ever possible, and it is about time Natalie recognized that. Nat has already moved on, trying for the things that will work, not the lost causes. After getting to give out some relationship advice to Matt, I got to suck in a deep breath and swallow the tears. I was proud that I did not shed a tear.
It is over. He is dead, and I must learn that the man I was in a relationship with is gone. We are no longer those people. Besides, I am his friend, and it is my duty to be there for him, no matter what. Emotions are no excuse anymore.
Finallyafter deciding to get off my ass and clean out the fish, I pulled myself off the couch. About that time Paula called me and let me know that I should work on my DI and speech which are due Tuesday (haven't started either BTW), and so we called off our practice. Ian awoke just in time to help me and then we got to clean up my room and talk about life. He gave me the option of bolting, and it took all of my being not to run away one last time. I have so many problems with commitment it is unreal. Thus, the reason I will never marry.
Watched a bit of the Oscars. Felt sick thinking about the McDonald's my family was eating (ewww, fast food). I get so turned off by everything fried unless it comes from two specific locations of both Twister's and Panda Express. One thing that makes me feel better about this weekend, I could have had worse. Ian had worse for sures, so I feel pretty lucky to just have been abandoned and feeling loneliness. I might as well get used to it. You all read this and know how I feel, and despite what you may do for me, eventually we will all disband and become like friends who perhaps call each other around the holidays to have awkward small talk for five minutes, if we even get that far.
Got sexually frustrated right before Carnivale, was promised some help, but Carnivale ended and we said goodnight. I do not blame him, he has got a lot going on, and it does not really even matter anyway. I suppose I am just getting too needy. ::sigh:: empty promises. . .
Empty promises float in and out of my life, and I just keep on trekking. No one can really understand, and I can no longer explain how I feel, because I am too far gone. I am a trapese artist performing without a net, but I do not know if anyone is going to catch me on the other end, so I never let go of the bar I am currently on. The problem, however, is that the ropes are slowly wearing away, so sometime in the future I will be falling to my death. Not like I really cared anyway.
Boy, I am kind of thirsty. . . Maybe she will let me drink water now! I am probably getting too hopeful, but I am going to go see.
Despite what I may have said, I want to be clear about my message in this blog, and it is that
THIS WEEKEND SUCKED.
posted by Nat Rivera at 11:31 PM
1 Comments:
You are not alone on that one. I'm pretty sure almost everyone I know (including me) had a terrible weekend. Heh, I guess misery loves company a little too much. Regardless, hang in there, girl. I know life's a friggin pain, but just keep trekking like you said. I have to too (unfortunately.)
ciao
Crystal
Post a Comment
<< Home