Two Different Me's
After every word you say, no matter who "you" turns out to be, I am calculating my responses before you have even finished a statement. I determine what you want to hear, or versions of it, and which version I will be able to deliver with the right combination of inflection from my voice, so that you will believe me.
I never meant to lie, but now it is out of control. There is the inner me, which wants to beg you to help, show you how desperate I really am for affection, acceptance, and love, and then there is the more outspoken me, which silences what I am really feeling to give you what she feels you need to hear.
You believe I am all right, but I am dying so much on the inside. By the time the stronger me is finished, there will no longer be any traces of the old me. As of right now, the inner me still has pretty good control over what goes into my blog, but I fear that as the number of people who are hurt by my blog increases, than my outer self will have more and more control.
I beg of you, HELP ME. I send out my SOS in the hopes that someone will be able to reach me before it is too late.
I have gotten back to listening to other people hang up before me. I always hope that the silent inner me will be able to speak up, while the outer me forces me to stay there by the phone, listening as yet another person walks away without ever knowing.
I think about it, and I am horrified. I have created my own abuser. I destroy myself, and you don't even know it. You never know when a person is in an abusive relationship, but I am telling you, she wants me dead. I do not know how long I can beat her.
There is me, the real me, the small, insignificant me, emotional and caring me, there is Nat. Then there is Natalie, the destroyer, the evil manifestation of my frustration who is determined to win. Natalie's competitive spirit, perseverance, and general loud and convincing nature makes it impossible for me to win.
I feel as though I am writing and trying to beat a terminal illness with my words. Make myself immortal through my writing. When I am gone, just know that I love you all, and I always will.
-Nat
I never meant to lie, but now it is out of control. There is the inner me, which wants to beg you to help, show you how desperate I really am for affection, acceptance, and love, and then there is the more outspoken me, which silences what I am really feeling to give you what she feels you need to hear.
You believe I am all right, but I am dying so much on the inside. By the time the stronger me is finished, there will no longer be any traces of the old me. As of right now, the inner me still has pretty good control over what goes into my blog, but I fear that as the number of people who are hurt by my blog increases, than my outer self will have more and more control.
I beg of you, HELP ME. I send out my SOS in the hopes that someone will be able to reach me before it is too late.
I have gotten back to listening to other people hang up before me. I always hope that the silent inner me will be able to speak up, while the outer me forces me to stay there by the phone, listening as yet another person walks away without ever knowing.
I think about it, and I am horrified. I have created my own abuser. I destroy myself, and you don't even know it. You never know when a person is in an abusive relationship, but I am telling you, she wants me dead. I do not know how long I can beat her.
There is me, the real me, the small, insignificant me, emotional and caring me, there is Nat. Then there is Natalie, the destroyer, the evil manifestation of my frustration who is determined to win. Natalie's competitive spirit, perseverance, and general loud and convincing nature makes it impossible for me to win.
I feel as though I am writing and trying to beat a terminal illness with my words. Make myself immortal through my writing. When I am gone, just know that I love you all, and I always will.
-Nat
posted by Nat Rivera at 10:34 PM
1 Comments:
My penname's "Tainted Muse" and I completely understand what you're saying here. It sucks to pretend, to hide from people... But you can't help it. That stupid pride buried within you won't let you speak up.
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