Messing It All Up

This morning I was in tears after another conversation with Matt. He didn't do anything to cause it, he was not him being a jerk, it was just. . .Talking to Matt. I never get to talk to him because I am always talking to his overcompensating evil half, 'Cadet Michealson.'

I am completely and totally ripped because I am not over Matthew. I never will be. Interesting that love can be totally life-changing. Even now as I continue on with my life and strive to move forward, I find myself begging myself to go after Matt. Crazy isn't it? Here I am, falling for an amazingly attractive and wonderful birder of a man, and I am still wanting my old flame back in my life.

The movie Castaway probably shows it the best. Tom Hanks strives to get back to his love only to find that she HAD to move on, so they both never get what they want. It's life laughing at us.

Love, ah, one must take it with a grain of salt and a good sense of humor.

I have thought about my situation with Ryan even more, and want to talk to him about it.

For now, all I have left to share is that watching movies from halfway through is CRAZY, especially if you do not try to. . .

Have a great day.

On the Threshold

What poisoned lips that do protest my love,
What gimmick are thine eyes that taunt me with want!
Thou hath come from above,
Taming my wild heart with thy own willful boasting and protesting.

This madness thou drenches upon me,
Like rain catches my flesh,
Making me cold and in need of thee,
For warmth for salvation from this affliction.

But like a sunrise to a vampire; Thy love is what I cannot have,
Thou are the water that the desert flower seeks but cannot find,
I wait to be, to know, thy touch- like a mother for an unborn calve,

I know thou art there,
inside of me
but unreachable, like a part I will never know,
Unseeable am I, for thou does only see thee,

Madness, unmistakable inside of my actions,
I know you are driven from this,
Like a sprinter thou makes for the door,
Ah, if only I could speak of this ache. . . Tis,
Tis desire for more!

Alas, all I have sad is worth naught, for I simply
Quite so,
With all my heart,

love thee.

I do, with all my soul,

I love, oh so much so it burns like Hades within,

Thine restless blue eyes like the sky,
Thy lips like untouchable sin,
My graceful haunt, why dost thou take my dreams?
All I can think of is thy body, thy mind, thy soul!
Why will my angel not leave me to rest in peace?

Alas, I go to bed now, hoping for a sight of thee again,
For if I cannot have thee in life,
I will have thy immortal self in my fantasies.

The Start of Yet Another Life Changing Summer

Before I talk to much I have to say that right now I am chilling out to a mix on my computer that is Dominic's and my creation and it is really, really, chill right now. In addition, I am really sick and was in bed trying to sleep when inspiration hit for a blog, so here I am, typing away. Enjoy!

I have been thinking about it my entire life, trying to find that perfect guy, the one that fit me. I wanted that other half, my compliment. I have found him. I have found in him everyday, I have known him my entire life, and I will never be able to explain the ways that the perfect man changes me.

I am talking about every single one of my male friends, my brothers, my dad, my grandfather, every man that I have ever known, including my enemies, including those men that I hate. They all are the perfect man. Not combined, but individually I find perfection in each of them.

I am in love with Matthew Michealson. I have been for 3 years. I always will be. I know that he is in love with me. I am really glad that I am not dating him. The people we have become are not the people we fell in love with, and will never be again. I predicted it before he took off to USMA, but he did not believe me. After a over a year of out right heart break I am not free to say that I am over him, I will never be, but as my class' song says this year, "I was changed for good." In addition I am ready to love again.

I did, and do love Ian, another man who has completely transformed my life and put up with all of my dark sides. I hate to use the Star Wars analogy, but he really was my Obi Wan when I was Anakin. He was there, pulling me from the dark side, making me realize that it was I that had killed my love. While sometimes we hate each other, we are both fighting for good, for love in this world, just sometimes we are mistaken and end up on the wrong path. A better analogy- When I became the evil Green Ranger, he was the Blue Ranger Billy who pulled me back onto the good side, back to Zandor and the fight for justice and quality children's program everywhere, especially Fox. Now, an AcaDec analogy, since Ian is the only one who really reads my blog anyway- we are like a two sun system, that is like two friends that spend a lot of time together. Not just call each other on the holidays. (I hear you groaning Ian. . .)

Ryan B. has really lit that flame for me. He just wants to be friends and get to know me better, and while at first I have to admit that I was completely crushed on the night of graduation, I am truly grateful for what has happened. He is a really fun person to hang out with, and is fast become one of my closest friends. On many things we are very agreeable, and I am so grateful for his liberal views on some subjects. In addition, he has become part of Jake's DD team, how can I not be happy for that?

I have fallen out of my wanton ways. I do not wish to be controlled by my desire for sex, for orgasm, for the bliss. Like an alcoholic, I recognized my dependence and have been clean for quite some time now. I wish I could tell you the days.

However, tonight I was called out of bed by the passion in my heart. The passion of an author, called to write, the passion of a lover, called to kiss another's lips, I was called to care for Ryan beyond friendship. I will not try and change his mind and be more than friends, but I will yearn for it. I will yearn for his arms about me, for the freedom to tell him of my love. Yes, love. That his blue eyes sing like the morning sky, sending me deep into a sense of hope that I have not had in a while. I will tell him of the things I think about when he speaks to me.

For the first time tonight I was honestly aroused, but my so-called "sexual frustration" stemmed not out of wanton physical need, but the desire to simply be one with someone I truly care about. I am not saying that I desperately want to have sex with Ryan, do not misunderstand. Instead please think of it as Ryan reawakening my innocent hope for future love, for satisfaction in a relationship with someone else, reawakened my willingness to commit to something. I do not know how long these feelings will last, but for now, I will simply enjoy them.

All men are perfect. All women are perfect. Children are truly God's gift. I can honestly say that I do not consider ANYONE, and I mean this, ugly in any physical way. To me, it is intriguing, the differences between one person to another. It is fascinating that there can be so many beautiful things in this world. I love people.



I just realized that is a very happy blog. Hmmmm, that is very uncharacteristic of me. . . I wonder who I will be after this summer. . .

An update on my life

Nathan Hadsall walked back into it,
Graduation is in three days and I am oober stressed,
I am trying to catch a cat so its kittens are not euthanized,
Matt and I have had a huge falling out, I keep calling he won't call me back,
Ian and I have gone separately into the night, but still are good friends,
Andrew Freyer won't talk to me,
Sean Murray, my otro love interest, is most likely "just a friend"
But things with Ryan seem to be developing rather quickly, so I still have high hopes.

I am tired, physically and emotionally.
I got high last night and it felt SOOOOO good.

A note on Casino night:
Dirty dancing with Ryan was INTENSE, I had never been so turned on and wanting to take it SOOOO slow in my entire life. I just didn't want the torture to end.

Saw Jolene, man do I miss her. I will have to road trip at least for a weekend up to see her this summer.

I need to figure out when Matt is getting in so I can find out whether or not I am working . . . I wish he would call me so that I could patch things up with him.

In other news, I have to go, but I will try and at least put SOMETHING into my blog the next time I walk past this computer with any decent amount of time to spare.

Weeping White Lilies

How can you continue to let me die?
How can you call yourself my best-friend?
How can you smile when I cry?
How can you call me your darling?
How can you let me starve while you feast tonight?
How can you try and make me feel guilty for what happened to us?
How can you hate reading so much?
How can you be so similar to me and not understand at all?
How can you let me cut these veins?
How can you leave me in my pain after everything I did for you?
How can you sleep knowing you tore my world to nothing?
How can you live knowing that you used me, whored me for your demented purposes?
How can you breath now that you stand on my chest?
How can you kick me when I am down?
How can you think I am all right?
HOW CAN YOU?
How could you rip out my still beating heart and eat it before me?
How could you beat me, bruise me to no end?
How could you sit beside me and laugh at Hamlet with Phil as I cried my eyes out?
How could you brush off the note? (For God's sake, I told you, in writing, how I wanted to die!)
How could you? Honestly,
How could you?
How could you leave me in the well alone?
How could you step on my head to escape and not throw an arm over to lift me out of this hole?
How could you be so selfish?
How could you be so thickheaded, to think you are the only one who needed help?
How could you say you loved me?
How could you lie with smooth words to my ears and stab me with your actions?
How could you leave the ONE time I really needed you?
How could you lower yourself to the excuse "I don't know what to do"?
How could you act like you were sympathetic about my Mom?
How could you let me die?

Really,

How could you?

New Blog site

http://attractingdanger.blogspot.com or click on Alex's Journey on the right! It's my book in progress, so I'd LOVE some feedback if you ever have a chance.

Thanks gobs!

Love and kisses,
Nat

Buy The Good Tires

I was scared to tell Matt. He's my one of my closest friends, and despite how close we are on everything else, because we are on and off ex-boy/girlfriend to each other, we usually do not discuss our other love adventures. I told him about Andrew anyway.

All weekend, all that I could think about was Andrew. It was driving me crazy. Saturday was Prom, but I did not dress for my date, I did not dress for John, even as I applied lip gloss I prayed with all my being that Andrew would decide to go to Prom, even though he did not have a date. I guiltily watched the door out of the corner of my eye, awaiting his arrival as I danced with John. With each minute another part of my heart sank. I sank deeper into my regret for having not asked him. John and I went to scour out Jacob, and as we came around the corner of the dance floor, my eyes immediately found Andrew. It was as if, subconsciously, my eyes had picked out his hair, his face, his body shape, his perfect eyes as they stared at me. I can recognize that it must have been coincidence that he happened to be looking in my direction at the exact moment I saw him, but what if, (just imagine for a moment), it was no coincidence. What if he was looking for me in the exact same way I had been looking for me? Does he care about me the way I do for him? Does he like me? Am I more than a friend to him?

Thoughts such as those had been bothering me all weekend. The hope that he feels the same way about me was too much. I was shaking to the point that I thought I was going to fall over as I walked over to where he was and said, "Glad to see you came Bratty!" He smiled up from his seat, and then turned to answer someone else's hail. I went back to the dance floor and had a great time with John.

This is all beside the point. The fact is, I am crazy about Andrew. While I love Ian, it was different with him than Andrew. With Ian, I had no hope for a relationship, so despite how I felt about him, I was able to control it. Since the time I first laid eyes on Matt, I have not felt like this. A fluttering of my heart, my stomach making me sick with anticipation. He is moving away in June, Andrew that is, but I cannot seem to stop from becoming, as Andrew warned, "Too attached."

Dare I say it to you readers? Should I speak to you, pour out the quiet pain that is eating at me now as I type? Yes, yes, I dare. You are all trustworthy.

I think I am in love. I know that it will wreck me, just in the same way love wrecked me at this time last year, but I am willing to take that risk.

I spoke to Matt about my feelings for Andrew, and rather than being angry, he was happy for me. I have never felt so glad to know Matthew. He told me a story about his parents, and how his mother encouraged his father to "buy the good tires" because she said that he probably would not buy them later. It was Matthew's way of saying that I should not wait on Andrew to act, but I should to it myself.

I did, I "bought the good tires." Andrew has agreed to go on a date or more with me. He is just worried that I may become too attached to him, as he should be. I will never be so glad to have tried. Much in the same way that I would date someone with a terminal illness, even if I knew I could only have them for a short time. "It is better to have loved than to have never loved at all."

I would have never had the courage to do so, if Ian had not bit the bullet this morning and asked out Jane. I am SOOOOOOOOO excited for him. She is a great girl. I love that kid, Ian that is, and I really hope he is happy. He deserves some happiness for once.

I came home and excitedly spilled out my news about Andrew to my Dad who was like, "Ok." More important than my Dad's reaction, however, was the show he was watching. I only caught the last two minutes of Gray's Anatomy, but the closing quote was, "It is better to make the worst most irreparable mistake than to have never have tried at all."

I guess I was shown by fate, God, whoever, that my actions were acceptable.

Do yourself a favor my friends, reread my title, then follow my advice. Always buy the good tires, you never know when you won't get that second chance.