The Start of Yet Another Life Changing Summer
Before I talk to much I have to say that right now I am chilling out to a mix on my computer that is Dominic's and my creation and it is really, really, chill right now. In addition, I am really sick and was in bed trying to sleep when inspiration hit for a blog, so here I am, typing away. Enjoy!
I have been thinking about it my entire life, trying to find that perfect guy, the one that fit me. I wanted that other half, my compliment. I have found him. I have found in him everyday, I have known him my entire life, and I will never be able to explain the ways that the perfect man changes me.
I am talking about every single one of my male friends, my brothers, my dad, my grandfather, every man that I have ever known, including my enemies, including those men that I hate. They all are the perfect man. Not combined, but individually I find perfection in each of them.
I am in love with Matthew Michealson. I have been for 3 years. I always will be. I know that he is in love with me. I am really glad that I am not dating him. The people we have become are not the people we fell in love with, and will never be again. I predicted it before he took off to USMA, but he did not believe me. After a over a year of out right heart break I am not free to say that I am over him, I will never be, but as my class' song says this year, "I was changed for good." In addition I am ready to love again.
I did, and do love Ian, another man who has completely transformed my life and put up with all of my dark sides. I hate to use the Star Wars analogy, but he really was my Obi Wan when I was Anakin. He was there, pulling me from the dark side, making me realize that it was I that had killed my love. While sometimes we hate each other, we are both fighting for good, for love in this world, just sometimes we are mistaken and end up on the wrong path. A better analogy- When I became the evil Green Ranger, he was the Blue Ranger Billy who pulled me back onto the good side, back to Zandor and the fight for justice and quality children's program everywhere, especially Fox. Now, an AcaDec analogy, since Ian is the only one who really reads my blog anyway- we are like a two sun system, that is like two friends that spend a lot of time together. Not just call each other on the holidays. (I hear you groaning Ian. . .)
Ryan B. has really lit that flame for me. He just wants to be friends and get to know me better, and while at first I have to admit that I was completely crushed on the night of graduation, I am truly grateful for what has happened. He is a really fun person to hang out with, and is fast become one of my closest friends. On many things we are very agreeable, and I am so grateful for his liberal views on some subjects. In addition, he has become part of Jake's DD team, how can I not be happy for that?
I have fallen out of my wanton ways. I do not wish to be controlled by my desire for sex, for orgasm, for the bliss. Like an alcoholic, I recognized my dependence and have been clean for quite some time now. I wish I could tell you the days.
However, tonight I was called out of bed by the passion in my heart. The passion of an author, called to write, the passion of a lover, called to kiss another's lips, I was called to care for Ryan beyond friendship. I will not try and change his mind and be more than friends, but I will yearn for it. I will yearn for his arms about me, for the freedom to tell him of my love. Yes, love. That his blue eyes sing like the morning sky, sending me deep into a sense of hope that I have not had in a while. I will tell him of the things I think about when he speaks to me.
For the first time tonight I was honestly aroused, but my so-called "sexual frustration" stemmed not out of wanton physical need, but the desire to simply be one with someone I truly care about. I am not saying that I desperately want to have sex with Ryan, do not misunderstand. Instead please think of it as Ryan reawakening my innocent hope for future love, for satisfaction in a relationship with someone else, reawakened my willingness to commit to something. I do not know how long these feelings will last, but for now, I will simply enjoy them.
All men are perfect. All women are perfect. Children are truly God's gift. I can honestly say that I do not consider ANYONE, and I mean this, ugly in any physical way. To me, it is intriguing, the differences between one person to another. It is fascinating that there can be so many beautiful things in this world. I love people.
I just realized that is a very happy blog. Hmmmm, that is very uncharacteristic of me. . . I wonder who I will be after this summer. . .
I have been thinking about it my entire life, trying to find that perfect guy, the one that fit me. I wanted that other half, my compliment. I have found him. I have found in him everyday, I have known him my entire life, and I will never be able to explain the ways that the perfect man changes me.
I am talking about every single one of my male friends, my brothers, my dad, my grandfather, every man that I have ever known, including my enemies, including those men that I hate. They all are the perfect man. Not combined, but individually I find perfection in each of them.
I am in love with Matthew Michealson. I have been for 3 years. I always will be. I know that he is in love with me. I am really glad that I am not dating him. The people we have become are not the people we fell in love with, and will never be again. I predicted it before he took off to USMA, but he did not believe me. After a over a year of out right heart break I am not free to say that I am over him, I will never be, but as my class' song says this year, "I was changed for good." In addition I am ready to love again.
I did, and do love Ian, another man who has completely transformed my life and put up with all of my dark sides. I hate to use the Star Wars analogy, but he really was my Obi Wan when I was Anakin. He was there, pulling me from the dark side, making me realize that it was I that had killed my love. While sometimes we hate each other, we are both fighting for good, for love in this world, just sometimes we are mistaken and end up on the wrong path. A better analogy- When I became the evil Green Ranger, he was the Blue Ranger Billy who pulled me back onto the good side, back to Zandor and the fight for justice and quality children's program everywhere, especially Fox. Now, an AcaDec analogy, since Ian is the only one who really reads my blog anyway- we are like a two sun system, that is like two friends that spend a lot of time together. Not just call each other on the holidays. (I hear you groaning Ian. . .)
Ryan B. has really lit that flame for me. He just wants to be friends and get to know me better, and while at first I have to admit that I was completely crushed on the night of graduation, I am truly grateful for what has happened. He is a really fun person to hang out with, and is fast become one of my closest friends. On many things we are very agreeable, and I am so grateful for his liberal views on some subjects. In addition, he has become part of Jake's DD team, how can I not be happy for that?
I have fallen out of my wanton ways. I do not wish to be controlled by my desire for sex, for orgasm, for the bliss. Like an alcoholic, I recognized my dependence and have been clean for quite some time now. I wish I could tell you the days.
However, tonight I was called out of bed by the passion in my heart. The passion of an author, called to write, the passion of a lover, called to kiss another's lips, I was called to care for Ryan beyond friendship. I will not try and change his mind and be more than friends, but I will yearn for it. I will yearn for his arms about me, for the freedom to tell him of my love. Yes, love. That his blue eyes sing like the morning sky, sending me deep into a sense of hope that I have not had in a while. I will tell him of the things I think about when he speaks to me.
For the first time tonight I was honestly aroused, but my so-called "sexual frustration" stemmed not out of wanton physical need, but the desire to simply be one with someone I truly care about. I am not saying that I desperately want to have sex with Ryan, do not misunderstand. Instead please think of it as Ryan reawakening my innocent hope for future love, for satisfaction in a relationship with someone else, reawakened my willingness to commit to something. I do not know how long these feelings will last, but for now, I will simply enjoy them.
All men are perfect. All women are perfect. Children are truly God's gift. I can honestly say that I do not consider ANYONE, and I mean this, ugly in any physical way. To me, it is intriguing, the differences between one person to another. It is fascinating that there can be so many beautiful things in this world. I love people.
I just realized that is a very happy blog. Hmmmm, that is very uncharacteristic of me. . . I wonder who I will be after this summer. . .
posted by Nat Rivera at 10:20 PM
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