My Bathroom Stall is Open- Only at Carl's Junior

I like not being confined when I go to the bathroom, so when no one is around, I risk it, and leave the stall door open. It is thirty seconds of exhiliration as I urinate. You ladies should try it sometime.

Anyway, I have a new blog, so check it out because I am done here. I will no longer waste away my life in this depression. I want to get over it, so a happier atmosphere is required. It is just in time for my new life at college, so enjoy it for yourself. I do not want to deny what is here, so this will always be here, but my new life is at that blog.

Wooo hoooo.

Shhhhhhhhcheck it out eh?
Awesomeness

Well, You Definitely Proved It Matt

Hey West Point, I mean Matt, why the fuck did you call today? Hmm? You are an asshole. I told you not to call and you did, then you feigned caring about me still when was really still about you.

Well you know what, I hope that every time I kiss another guy it burns you like you have done to me a thousand times over. I am so sick of the pain you cause to me, I really wish I could physically harm you.

I hate that you act like you love me just so that you can hurt me. You are the sickest person I know.

And I do, I do hate you, just so we are clear. I hate you for ever making me care about you and every fucking tear I have cried since. Since the beginning it was about you, whether you had friends, your college decision, were you ever interested in me?

You know what really stings? I'll tell you, because this memory hurts me more than most others. It was that time that you came over and took care of me after surgery and made me feel like you really cared about me. Then the next morning you used me for a bj. Yeah, so I guess speaking of below the belt. . .

By the way, I put this on my blog so that you would read it and so could anyone else that wanted to because I don't want it to be unclear to anyone how I feel about you.

You broke my heart and I hope that I never have to deal with you again. You lied to me about everything including YOUR fucking choice. I am so glad that I am out of that relationship, because you NEVER cared. I hate you so much right now it is bringing me to tears.

Have a good life, and leave me the fuck alone.

The Cycle

Why do women and men continually return to someone that does not treat them right?

I think I finally discovered the answer to that question for myself. It is because we are broken, destroyed, and despite what the other person has done to us, we had given them our hearts. Yes, we can take back our hearts, but the healing is a long process that any normal human being is not ready to wait through. But, if that person can say the right thing at the right time, all of our pain is healed instantaneously.

I choose to wait through the pain. Thanks again West Point, for the valuable life lesson.

The Sweetest Thing

Today I was packing to leave for college, which is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. Alex, Ben, and Sean were busy filming a movie for the majority of the day and my Dad was typically absent. Later, Alex and Ben were editing the movie and had left Sean with nothing to do. At that point I was really trying to just get the job done and not let leaving my house bother me when Sean came into talk to me.

He asked, "Are you packing to leave? Isn't anyone helping you?"
"No," I said. A little bit later I mentioned that he seemed shocked about the fact that I was going about it alone.
"Well, this is a really big deal Natalie. You're leaving! It just seems like someone would be here to help, even Ian."

I had tried talking to Louie, tried to get someone to care because it is a big deal. I am freaking out over it. However, it was only Sean who. . .

"Hey! I want to at least keep you company while your packing, since no one else seems to care. Is that ok?"

He ended up giving me advice and being really sweet about what I should pack. It was the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me without meaning to be sweet.

Today I was going to tell Mario that I liked him, but I am not going to anymore. I can't. Right now it is all too much. I am trying to handle the Matt situation with some amount of dignity intact, leave my home, and try to figure out my life. More than anything, Andrew Freyer talking to me again totally knocked me off my throne. I do not know how I really feel about anyone. I want to be loved and give in return and I feel that I am being too anxious about it and cheating myself out of the right guy, so the best thing to do is wait.

For now, all I have to say is, Thanks Sean, for the sweetest thing.

Heart-broken, Still

I just want Matt to do the things he promised he would. I want him to say things that will make everything better. I want the pain to stop.

To Lie is to commit the most horrific crime you can against another human being.

I feel like that scene in Bruce Almighty, where Jennifer Aniston's character is begging God to help her not to love Bruce anymore. I want to be over him, but I am not.

I don't understand why he doesn't respond, why he walks away.

I saw myself having children with him, building a home of love with him, sleeping in his arms at night. Now all I have is my cold unforgiving reality, and endless time to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

I didn't deserve this.

No one ever did.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOMINIC

It's a phone with a-peel. . . Bananaphone, Ring Ring Ring!

This is an email I sent to my best-friend tonight, in complete context, but since it was such a good summary of my life, I decided to repaste it as my blog for tonight. Enjoy!

To My Beloved Ian,
I told you, you had indicated that the hike was last week and we had a huge conversation about how I cannot do ANYTHING this Sunday because it is my last week in town. I am not going to be rude, but I am very aggravated that you do not remember the heated conversation we had in regards to this. In other words, NO, I can't go to church with you, or on a hike because I cannot go this Sunday which I already told you! I was not up for the hike when you LEFT. why would I be up for a hike I am not going to go on?

OK, I was just rude. I am very stressed, but it is no excuse. I am tired of people flaking on me, basically. Chris flaked on taking care of my tarantula. No, better description is that he flaked on hanging out with me, three nights in a row, so there is no way in hell I am trusting him with my baby Seneca.

I am hanging out with Mario this Saturday to have coffee or something, and that is very exciting.

Matt is toiling away my patience by insisting that I call him. I am not going to foot the phone bill again this year because he is too cheap himself. He can rot in hell for all I care. Come to think of it, he is, at West Point!

I have a huge bruise on my ass from cliff diving, which Dominic actually noticed before I did. Awkward that my brother was looking at my ass? I don't think so. Not in this house.

I finally got to access my CUmail account which was filled with 75 emails that told me what precise days water was going to be shut off in June, who had been chosen to be the new Dean of blah-di-blah-dah, and why the phones hadn't been working correctly on Creighton Campus for three weeks. Needless to say, they were all deleted.

I called your number today wondering if you had your new phone yet, I guess it is no luck.

Jacob had a blow out on the freeway thirty miles north of Alb. but was rescued by some Transportation Safety Inspector Guy who was doing his round right then and stumbled upon Jacob.

BTW, my church has always started at 10am.

I just thought you would like to know.

I am really broken hearted right now, crying my self to sleep and all that jazz. It's awful. I had to take my frogs to Tiffany's today which was an adventure to find because I never wrote down the directions and wasn't listening very well when she gave them to me to begin with. I was driving around Irving and Universe (west of Unser) asking myself, "Did she say two lefts and a right or second left, first right, or have I mixed up my lefts and rights completely?"

I had to be tested for Iron Deficiency today instead of going to donate blood. I guess we will see how that goes, eh?

Anyway, when do you get back? Alex is leaving Monday, so we have to steal at least one sign.

I am really pissed at Matt. What makes it worse is that I am pissed at myself for allowing myself to be pissed at Matt. How do you get pissed at someone who does not care in the slightest. I hate him is what it is. I gave him my heart and he fucked me and left me for dead. I hate him. I hate him more than my Father, who I am actually starting to get along with a little bit.

My horse got a hair cut yesterday, that was intense. I almost killed the goat after he attacked me. I am not kidding, (excuse the pun), I almost killed Billy because I just pulled him across the yard by his collar. Unfortunately, because he is so stubborn he kept pulling back meaning that he could not breath until I let go. I washed Godiva and fixed her eye snot problem. Chewie also got a bath and was really good about it.

Pibb got loose in the house today and ended up chilling with me and talking to Alex and Mario on the massage chair. He smells REALLY bad.

I guess I have digressed. I think I am just going to paste most of this into a blog for today.

Oh, I have the banana song by Raffi stuck in my head.

I hope you are well Ian. Beer Pong?

Love,
Nat

". . . I'll place a call around the world! Operator get me Bejing, jing, jing, jing!"

Heart-ache

I woke up today and the first thought I had was, "Matt." I pictured him holding me, and I could almost smell him near me, but he was not.

Things don't work out the way we plan. But they work out.

I am suffering.

The lake provided some refuge via friends, a handsome distracting male who insisted one hanging out with me, and some special brownies that basically knocked me out.

I guess I am handling it well? Maybe not.

Oh well. New life. It is a new journey, and I have God with me, so take that world!

Cliff Diving

On Monday I went cliff diving at the lake. Mario and Gwene took me out to a rock that jutted two stories up from the waters edge. I was terrified, but I tried not to think about it as I started my ascent. I picked my way up the steep and precarious 'trail' to the top. Most of it was simply rock climbing. I reached the top, full of adrenaline and nearly collapsed when I saw the beautiful site in front of me. I could see the amazing mountains miles away, that layered themselves in blue and purples. I could see all the way across the lake. Gwene directed me about how to complete my journey and then jumped herself.

I felt my will starting to fade. The longer I stood up there, the longer I wanted to wait before jumping. The air was clean, it was sunny and I was cool. I never wanted to leave.

"Just think, it is the way to start your college journey!" Mario urged me.

"No," I thought, "It is a way for me to free myself from constraints of my past."

"You have to yell something on the way down! Anything you can think of!" said Gwene from the water below.

All I could think of, was 'Kalpernicus.' And so even though I was too terrified to say it aloud, I thought that one word as I stepped from the edge. I stepped from the edge and fell to a new life. One where I won't have to be hurt by another person's actions. Where I wouldn't have to wait on West Point. A life where I could find dignity and respect.

The water crashed around me, and I came up sputtering. I had landed on my bottom and it had knocked the wind out of me.

I will never be able to explain what it was like, to finally take that plunge.

K
A
L
P
E
R
N
I
C
U
S
!
!
!

Waiting on West Point - III

Sweets,
You said that you would never hurt me. You lied. You have hurt me like no one else ever could. I guess that makes us even.

You said you'd write me letters. You didn't. You said you'd call. You didn't. You said you'd marry me. You didn't. You said you'd catch me before I ran away. You didn't. You said you never let anyone hurt your baby, but look at me! You went with me to my mother's grave with a lie. You know how I loathe dishonesty. You ruined me. How could we have sworn on someone's grave a LIE???

Why did treat me badly? Really, I'd like to know because I didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves the way you treated me, and I was the girl of your dreams.

I was always there! Remember Hillsey's fucking project when I stayed up all night keeping you company? I gave up preparation for an election, for something I TRULY wanted. Some of us can't win with a nickname and a smile you know. Some of us had to work for it. But I guess you never understood that. Athleticism came easy to you. Along with AcaDec, listening to what your father wanted instead of your own heart, and my love.

Your family invites me to dinner, why? Because I tried to get to know them, so that maybe they would love me half as much as they love you, as I love you. My family doesn't know a thing about you. Dominic says, "I never heard him talk."

Remember all the times I helped you figure out your life? How about your two year college decision? You were NEVER there for me!

Why couldn't you just fucking apologize? No, instead you walked away. Well fine. I will be happy for you. But don't believe for one damn minute that I coming after you.

It is like those fights we used to have, where you would just walk off and shut the garage door leaving me outside with the phrase, "You know how to get in." IT WAS YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. I am not coming after you. If you think for one minute that I am, you are crazy. You are an idiot, who was never taught as a child to apologize and I cannot stand your immaturity. "You know how to get in." Yeah right! I am not going to break and enter to argue with some self-centered bastard who didn't even want to talk to me.

That's just it. You were the center, of my entire life as well. You fucking idiot, I dare you to find someone who loves you more. But that's ok. You can take that list you carry in your wallet and name all your children by it with your slave of a wife. I hope she makes you happy by following you around like a dog. That's what you wanted wasn't it? Someone to admire you relentlessly. Worship at your feet while you kicked them for no reason.

I am going off to have a great life of my own. I only hope you find the same satisfaction in your own journey.

By the way, don't you think that for one second that because I am mad right now I didn't love you. That I don't still love you. That I won't still love you. Because I did, do, and will.

But you are a moron. You were a moron. I have no reason to believe you won't be in the future.

I wish you were still Flipper. At least he still knew what it was like to be kind to others. I think I'd rather remember you like that anyway.

You did this, and you said you'd never hurt me. . . I hate you for that lie above all else.

I wish I could kick you in the shins. I wish I could rip out your hair, slap your cheek, and punch you in the stomach. But all I can do is write this goddamn blog not knowing if you will ever even read it and hate you for the pain I am going through.

I HATE YOU.

Love,
Nat

Waiting on West Point (Part II)- The Saga Continues

I am so broken right now. I could not even talk to my friends about it really. I went right after my conversation with Matt to watch pictures of China and it was all I could do not to cry. Right now I am shedding my first tear.

I know it's right, and I know we both still have growing up to do, but it is heartbreaking to know that I cannot just be with the person I want to because he has something great coming in his life. I am happy knowing he has a great future ahead of him.

For the first time tonight I could not find the lyrics to a song I wanted to. Which, in case you don't know, is highly uncharacteristic of me. I have NEVER not been able to find the lyrics of a song. I am completely off.

My heart is breaking. It is like the feeling of my Great Grandmother getting cancer. You want it to work out for the best, but the best is them leaving you, and you damn well learn it even more with every single breath you take.

Ah West Point. I'm waiting for a future that is not in our fate. God speed on your journey. I will love you and I hope that you are happy in all that you do. May God grant me the prayer of taking your pain so that you will not know it as I do now.

Well, Nebraska hoy. I am terrified. I am doing this alone. Time for me to move on. I am going to fail. Hopefully I will find what I am looking for. Hopefully God will lead me. This life is not mine, it is a pilgrimage to find what God wants of me.

My Mother is inside of me. She is my strength. My hope. My pride. My will to go on. I am going to go cry.

Thank you Lord for good friends and the gift of hope. A follow up, two minutes after thanking God, I found the lyrics. There is something in prayer my friends! Here they are:

Lyrics View
Zak and Sara

Sara, spelled without an "h"
was getting bored
on a peavey amp in 1984
while Zak without a "c"
tried out some new guitars
playing Sara with no "h's"
favorite song

Zak and Sara

often Sara would have spells
where she lost time
she saw the future,
she heard voices from inside
the kind of voices
she would soon learn to deny,
because at home they got her smacked

Zak and Sara
Zak and Sara

Zak called his dad
about layaway plans
and Sara told the friendly salesman that
"You'll all die in your cars"
and "Why's it gotta be dark?",
and "You're all working in a submarine,
asshole!"

she saw the lights,
she saw a pale English face
some strange machines
repeating beats and thumping bass
visions of pills
that put you in a loving trance
that make it possible
for all white boys to dance
and when Zak finished Sara's song,
Sara clapped

Zak and Sara
Zak and Sara

yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah

Also, my friend gave me a bible verse that is very fitting tonight. Thanks Noelly.

Isaiah 42:16
"And I will bring the blind by a way [that] they knew not; I will lead them in paths [that] they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them."

Waiting on West Point

I suppose it is inevitable, we all learn lessons the hard way.

For the first time ever, I am not to blame for something going badly in a relationship, and it has given me a profound new freedom that I have never experienced before. I am not to blame. Just because someone was pig-headed enough not to even TRY to understand MY life after I dedicated my time to learning about THEIR life, does not make ME a bad person.

I am way ahead of you West Point, because I know better than to blame everything on others.

You tell me you might be able to call me back on the 7th or 8th and you wonder why it is not good enough? Did you ever listen? It is not good enough because I am throwing away my life waiting for you, and I am not going to do it. I am going to be out of town on the 7th and 8th, which you might have known, had you cared enough to ask whether or not it would be ok to talk to me then, but you didn't. Thus, I'll talk to you whenever it is good for me, not before then. Maybe then you will know what the last 3 years have been like for me. I hate you for treating me like a book. You can't just pick me up whenever you feel like and expect to leave off where you were.

By the way, I will not let you weigh me down, and I will not let you hold me back. I hope that you know how much I loved/love you, and what exactly you decided to throw away by being an jerk.


The sky is beautiful today. A whole new horizon. Yeah, I see the storming brewing, but I have zipped up my jacket, and I am ready to face the unknown.