Our Last Kiss (a longer entry)

At this point, I would doubt very much that Kellen, Jacob, and/or Leanne would not outright slap me for what I am about to tell you. Tonight, Matt gave in to my demands, just as I knew he would, and determined that we would try a relationship. After sufficiently using me for a good make out session, Matt discussed why we could not possibly try a relationship. Of course, this wrecked me, and I began crying. Then Matt made a request. "Could I have one final kiss?" came the words from his oh so kissable lips. "I don't want it to be the final kiss," I said, but I conceded, and agreed to give him that kiss. He wanted it to be good.

45 minutes later, I lay mostly naked by his side and was quickly realizing that he had no intention of a relationship. Upon dressing, Matt got up and went to the bathroom. I am a prostitute turning tricks for my pay, which in this case is love. When he came back, I sat on the edge of the bed, and looked up to him. He tried to put on my jacket, which, incidentally, is actually his jacket, but I stop him.

"That's what we were all about, always, weren't we? It was all physical gratification."

His response was basically an uninterested stare, followed by a joke about nothing, and a fart.

He sat down on the floor and leaned against the dresser. My Dad called in that moment, and I hurried to answer the phone. After a brief conversation with my Dad, I hung up. Matt reached for my hand as I stood, but I stepped beyond him. He is tired, his eyes are barely focusing.

"Get some sleep kid." He looks up at me as if I am speaking another language. I motion to my hands to imply that I am going to wash them. He nods in response.

I return moments later, and he is still in that position against the dresser. "Good night, take care of yourself." Both of his hands are in the air, as if I should help him up like a child, but I do not move from the doorway. He shows me his hand, blistered from the rock gym.

"Ouch. Can You tell me something Matt? Something honest?"

He pauses, "I am not a very good boxer."

I laugh, amused slightly, "No, something specific that I want to know."

"I knew there was a catch. Go ahead." He stands, bringing an old SPX flag to me so that I can return it to the school.

"Were you just using me tonight?" I already know the answer, but I refuse to show it.

He stands there, as if for the first time realizing that a grave sin has been committed, and the blood is only on his hands.

"Oh my God, what have I done?" his hushed whisper is one of mortification. What horrifies me more than the truth coming out, is that I had believed him, led myself into the same trap I had set for myself hundreds of times in years past.

"Matt, can I ask you something else?"

We sidetrack for a bit as he apologizes profusely, I accept them, knowing that I will only blame myself later. It does not matter because he can no longer touch me as he used to. I am a million miles away and gaining more ground with every moment.

"What are we now?" It is the same question I asked before, only this time I am not sure I want to know the answer. I do not want to hear any answer that he has.

He doesn't respond, his dazed expression is more than enough to prove to me that he is not going to answer.

"Are we friends? Best-friends?"

He looks up, "I guess, but a best-friend would not do that to someone they care about. You are my best-friend, I do not know if I am yours."

Later, I stand outside in the cold on his driveway. His final words, "Drive safely."

He has not come outside with me. Why would he? I am not his girlfriend. I am not someone he even cares about to a significant amount. I stood outside watching my breath leave my mouth and head toward the stars in the sky. Tears begin dripping down my face.

(Something that I will always remember about Matt and I is that every time we looked up at the sky the stars were blocked by clouds, or the city lights blacked them out so that they were not visible.)

I was really glad for the stars. It must have been that it meant it was over.

"Love is cruel. Love is hard, love is blind, love is foolish."
I began talking to myself, listing all the things that love could be.
"Love is mean, love is rude. Love is late, love is impolite. Love is evil."

Sucking deep in my breath I climbed into my car and drove one last time past that closed front-door. For the last time I let my hope be lifted in that he would be there. He never was.

As I drove down the hill west on Montaño before Coors, I was crying hard. I had been down the same hill crying so many times, but this time it was different.

Yes, I love him. I probably always will, but I tried to figure out why all the way home. This same situation has been played over and over again in my life only in the past I never pointed out to him that I was being used. I just took it.

Because driving home tonight at 2:16 was home. It was were my life should be. It was the plan I had made for myself before everything got taken away from me. It was all I had after it was taken away. The floor and bed in Matt's room were where I fit, where I served a purpose. While it might have just been a pretty useless cause, I needed love. I felt I could not get it anywhere else.

Now, you all reach out to me. Ian, I never deserved you. Every single one of you accepts me for this, for my mistakes, my hatred, my brilliantly stupid jokes. You accept it all like he never could.

I left a message on his phone tonight. "Matt, as your best-friend, I think you need to know something. You have to grow up. It's cool to play with people and everything, but at some point you have to mature, you have to grow up."

I would do it again, anytime. I want home. I really need help. I will never have it again, that feeling of right, of my past, just one last time.

Our last kiss, terribly, horribly, perfectly fitting thanks to our past.

I love that kid. I just wish he loved me. I gave so much in the hopes that he would.

Love is definitely evil.

6.5 and steady. You upped me .2 points Matt. You really cannot touch me. I refuse to let you.