What I Did Not Tell You Earlier

Looking at you today, you kept asking me what it was, and I could not say a word. "Why?" you are surely asking me by now, but it was because I could not say the truth, and I would not dare a lie in your presence. You are way too good for that kind of disrespect.

I was pleading, internally, for you to walk away. Every single molecule in my body was pleading with you to leave because I was dying, was killing myself to be next you, giving everything I had. However, even though I knew I had the strength to walk away, I knew that I could not. I fear, and feared, that you yourself would not be able to handle it. More than anything, I wanted you to walk away because it would mean only one thing to me, you were strong enough. If I pushed you out, then it meant that you were not ready. You had to do it on your own.

I needed you to go, or I might have died, and I do mean soon. I was losing it. I can barely love anything anymore. Even the sounds and smells of a dental office are losing it for me. You are right, I do need help, and I am trying to get it, but I would not have made it. Thank you for finding the strength for the third option. You have saved my life yet again.

There are many times today when I thought about saying only things I knew would hurt you. I wanted to see the look of pain on your face, and I was shaking to keep myself from doing so. I am so sorry.

Please do not forgive for what I have done, but instead give me the opportunity to make it up to you.

BTW, here is something I am thinking of in regards to you tonight:
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha

Love,
Nat