"Why are you so insecure?"
"You never tell me that you love me, unless I say it first!"
"Why are you so insecure?"
When my boy posed that question earlier this evening, I could not come up w/ a response for him. I need to have people tell me that they love me because I have to work for it so frequently. I just want to be loved for me, for who I am, not for the things I do.
Perhaps it is best summed up by my conversation that I had w/ Ben a few hours after the first conversation.
"Dad and I used to watch this show all the time."
"You just watched it because you wanted Dad to like you because you could never make Mom happy."
"No. . . I liked the show."
"Yeah right. You were just kissing up."
I have spelled it out before but apparently it was not clear enough, I need constant reassurance because I was trained by my Mom's actions to constantly need it. I need others to tell me that they care, otherwise I just believe that I have not deserved it and thus am a failure. An unloved failure. Besides, I really do not feel I deserve love, so I see no reason why someone would simply love me, there must be a reason, but no one is willing to fight for me, or let me know that they love me without me reaching out first, so how am I supposed to know? I have frequently wrote letters, emails, poems, stories, and even tried my hand at painting and drawing for the ones I love, but my own mailbox is empty. I have a dream of someone, a man loving me so deeply that he would write it, he would shout it out to the world, he would come after me if I was leaving, but no one will do it. I am not worth that. I suppose, in the end, it comes down to this, my mother was right, I am unloveable and only made to serve.
I am a very insecure person, I will not deny that, but I just want love. Is that really such a crime?
"Why are you so insecure?"
When my boy posed that question earlier this evening, I could not come up w/ a response for him. I need to have people tell me that they love me because I have to work for it so frequently. I just want to be loved for me, for who I am, not for the things I do.
Perhaps it is best summed up by my conversation that I had w/ Ben a few hours after the first conversation.
"Dad and I used to watch this show all the time."
"You just watched it because you wanted Dad to like you because you could never make Mom happy."
"No. . . I liked the show."
"Yeah right. You were just kissing up."
I have spelled it out before but apparently it was not clear enough, I need constant reassurance because I was trained by my Mom's actions to constantly need it. I need others to tell me that they care, otherwise I just believe that I have not deserved it and thus am a failure. An unloved failure. Besides, I really do not feel I deserve love, so I see no reason why someone would simply love me, there must be a reason, but no one is willing to fight for me, or let me know that they love me without me reaching out first, so how am I supposed to know? I have frequently wrote letters, emails, poems, stories, and even tried my hand at painting and drawing for the ones I love, but my own mailbox is empty. I have a dream of someone, a man loving me so deeply that he would write it, he would shout it out to the world, he would come after me if I was leaving, but no one will do it. I am not worth that. I suppose, in the end, it comes down to this, my mother was right, I am unloveable and only made to serve.
I am a very insecure person, I will not deny that, but I just want love. Is that really such a crime?
posted by Nat Rivera at 2:16 AM
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