Tears
Damn it all, I just typed a huge blog and erased it via the damn spell check and my idiocy.
I hate pop-up blockers.
Last night, I was destroyed. Utterly dessimated by another's actions.
Imagine, trying so hard to please another person that you are willing to spill your blood upon the ground if they request it. Now imagine that they have no idea what they want out of you, and request opposite actions on your part at basically the same time or only moments apart. Imagine losing sleep because you worry about their well being so much that it pains you twice what it pains them.
After another AcaDec study session, I stood outside in a tanktop and sweatpants. I was freezing, but I watched as another's tail lights faded as they turned a corner, and listened to their accelerator take them away from me as fast as humanly possible. I was crushed.
Later, I gathered enough of myself to climb into my car and I began driving. By the time I reached the first stop sign, I was crying so hard I could barely breath. I wanted an apology for all I had suffered for this person, but there was no way that they could honestly give one or I could accept one. They were the victim, "They," anyone other than me, will always be the victim.
I feel as though I am a dog, crawling back despite the fact that my master no longer feeds me or gives me any love. My hope is there still, that they will no kick me in the stomach this time and will pet me instead.
Now I know that I was not meant for love. I was not meant to recieve it freely. I can only hope for love if I give some sort of service to the other party, so I do. I ache with exasperation at the fact that I cannot make a single person happy. No one has ever been satisfied with who I am, not my family, especially not my parents, my 'friends', my peers, not even my teachers know the anguish I go through to try and appease them.
I watch as others are invited to things before my very eyes, only inches from where I stand, and lie that I have not over-heard. They do not want me there, and I do not want to impose, so I stand away.
I hate pop-up blockers.
Last night, I was destroyed. Utterly dessimated by another's actions.
Imagine, trying so hard to please another person that you are willing to spill your blood upon the ground if they request it. Now imagine that they have no idea what they want out of you, and request opposite actions on your part at basically the same time or only moments apart. Imagine losing sleep because you worry about their well being so much that it pains you twice what it pains them.
After another AcaDec study session, I stood outside in a tanktop and sweatpants. I was freezing, but I watched as another's tail lights faded as they turned a corner, and listened to their accelerator take them away from me as fast as humanly possible. I was crushed.
Later, I gathered enough of myself to climb into my car and I began driving. By the time I reached the first stop sign, I was crying so hard I could barely breath. I wanted an apology for all I had suffered for this person, but there was no way that they could honestly give one or I could accept one. They were the victim, "They," anyone other than me, will always be the victim.
I feel as though I am a dog, crawling back despite the fact that my master no longer feeds me or gives me any love. My hope is there still, that they will no kick me in the stomach this time and will pet me instead.
Now I know that I was not meant for love. I was not meant to recieve it freely. I can only hope for love if I give some sort of service to the other party, so I do. I ache with exasperation at the fact that I cannot make a single person happy. No one has ever been satisfied with who I am, not my family, especially not my parents, my 'friends', my peers, not even my teachers know the anguish I go through to try and appease them.
I watch as others are invited to things before my very eyes, only inches from where I stand, and lie that I have not over-heard. They do not want me there, and I do not want to impose, so I stand away.
posted by Nat Rivera at 6:30 AM
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