Hummingbirds in The Freezer

I just erased another blog. I hate my life. I suppose I will retype it, though doubtless it will mean nothing that it did the first time I wrote it.

I cannot stop crying. God has taken my last one. I feel as though I am one of my own fish, staring at the world through plexiglass. Everyone says they are there for me, and they are, just on the outside of my tank. But there is no contact, and they are taken a step further away with each moment.

I am 6, and Dominic is born, bringing a whirl-wind of change to the family. I love him dearly, willing from the day I see his big eyes staring up at me from his round face wrapped in a blanket to lay down my life if it is asked for. His birth also marks my independence, placing me on the first floor of the house while the rest of my family lives upstairs, two to a room. From then on they are pairs, and I am an outsider, always wishing to be part of a duo, but always alone.

I am 8, standing before my Grandmother's coffin, she is gone only a month after she promised she would always be there, and we would spend some "girl time" together. I am angry at her for lying.

Third grade, Nathan moves to Texas, I cry. My first love, my first crush, my first heartbreak, and I am but 9.

I am 13, and my great-grandmother, my idol, my symbol of perfection, passes away. Her sharpened wit is dulled by the cancer that infects her mind. I harbor my pain alone.

Louie leaves for college, and I feel even more alone as my family begins to dissipate.

High school, I must abandon all those that I trust and obtain new friends. I am terrified, but Graham helps me through. We are there for each other every few months, but never on a really consistent basis. We are in different grades, and our schedules and personal lives make it impossible to hang out, even while he lives only a mile away.

I see Matt, symbol of perfection on the first day of school, within days I am in love, or so I think. He disappears from my mind because I find that he likes Jenny Gibson, a girl I can never compare to. I am a lowly insecure slightly overweight freshman, what would he ever see in me?

Kellen finds me at this, making his entrance sound and heard.

Great-Grandpa Dunbar dies, and I can hardly take my losses. Somehow I suck it up. I wish that I could explain how beautiful old man was to me, and still is, in memory.

Matt sees something in me, and asks me out. (Take that Jenny Gibson!). I get the guy, and I want to run immediately, but Graham convinces me to stay. It is the best advice I ever listened to.

My Mom gets worse. I try and hold the family together, but I am too young still to know what to do. She pulls me out of Speech and Debate, away from the only friends I had gotten close to.

I get tumors, and I am terrified of dying. I start to give up hope because I know that what I had is the best my life will ever be. Surgery saves my life.

Mommy dies. At the funeral, Dominic and Louie pair off, a new duo, Alex and Ben stand together. Maria comes through and is there for my Dad. I am the odd one out, again.

Before I can even pull my life together, there I am in Twisters, having to sit down because I will never again see Nathan H. Perhaps I will, but it is best not to hope for it. The seminary. I knew it was coming, but my love is leaving me again. I loved him as my best-friend and not romantically, but my heart is torn out again.

Matt decides on West Point. I try and be happy, and enjoy the time we have left, but I cannot. Unlike the first time I saw him, I love him, I really love him. I just wanted him. Nothing more, nothing less, and I cannot imagine life without him. I do everything to try and convince him not to go, but he does.

I spend the summer driving Ben and Dominic around. I am empty, completely devoid of everything. I want to die. There is nothing I would love more. But Mr. Pibb stares up at me with his big brown eyes, and I cannot leave.

The Jemez. Jacob and Ian save my life in one weekend by taking me out of town. I am more happy than I have been in over a year. They change my world and give me two more reasons to keep going.

Dominic joins the list too. My cute younger brother.

I desert Matt for Ian. I want someone there, and Ian is. At the same time, Ian is so much more than that. He is my Pookie, my friend, my other half in all of our devious doings.

Kellen joins the crew and I really feel like part of something. My own crazy family.

Homecoming wrecks the mess I have made. Somewhere inside of me, I know I am supposed to be with Matt, that it was destined, but we did something to upset that. I will never be able to say if it was even our fault at all, but Matt and I will not work out. Another death in my life. Another love gone.

I manage to keep Kellen out of what I am going through. I lose him as well.

Jacob and I have a falling out, and have not been the same since.

So then there are three. Ian, Dominic, and myself.

Stormy dies. The only best-friend, my horse, that has stayed with me since third grade. I am crushed.

Dominic grows further away, and I would never dream of relying on him, but I would do whatever he needed of me anytime.

Tonight I lost Ian. The last ray of hope I had.

Sure, there is Matt, Graham, Kellen, Justin, Jolene, Crystal, Dominic, or anyone else I could beg for help if I needed it, but there is no longer a safety net below me. There is not someone waiting to grab my hand and pull me back up if I start to fall. I am my own keeper. No even comments here anymore, except Crystal who only knows me through this site, who knows if you are even still reading?

Damn plexiglass. At least this way I get to see that they are all happy. I collapse into a corner and try to cry myself to sleep.

Insomnia is back. Great, now I have more hours by myself to contemplate my useless existence.