Fallen Apart
I am still living, or atleast, I am according to the physical requirements. I am completely dead on the inside.
I am losing Matt in two days, and yet I cannot bring myself to show just how much that is wrecking me.
My Mom is now two days in the ground, and I feel as though I am back in January, standing over her coffin. Actually, tonight I have to attend a viewing for a friend of the family who's mother died this week. My life never quits giving me hell.
My dad and I look at each other and we no longer understand. The gap between us is so wide that it cannot be bridged, no matter how much we try. We will die never understanding what has happened with that.
Louie returned to the East Coast, and I miss him dearly. I know now that one person understands in my family, but I will never have the time to talk to him, and he can never again be here like he was this vacation.
I lived to Christmas, that is good I suppose.
Ben still thinks I'm a whore and I don't really care. I am a fucking whore.
Alex and I will never be close, and Dominic now knows I am insane.
Ian, my best-friend and my rock, has slipped away slightly. It will never be as it was. I am scared to tell him that I am worse than before because I fear the pain it will cause him.
Tears come only when I allow them to, and they fall from my face now. I am terrified of everything and still am not happy.
Matt described himself as "empty and scared" last night, and I knew once and for all that I have destroyed him. Like the dust I crush underfoot, he has been injured by my actions as well. I cannot move, cannot breath for fear of hurting someone else.
The fuzz is dissappearing, I am now able to focus a lot more clearly, which has turned out to be worse than the fuzz. Before I did not have to think, and now I face everything. When I do get the fuzz it is amazingly unbearable and actually causes me to do dangerous things, such as forget the last ten minutes, or brake to a stop when the traffic light is green.
Love is something I cannot feel, there is only lust and hatred. I desire death more than ever, but now realize that is not a choice for me. I cannot do this, but I will.
My mirror has fallen again, and it is shattered worse than before.
I am losing Matt in two days, and yet I cannot bring myself to show just how much that is wrecking me.
My Mom is now two days in the ground, and I feel as though I am back in January, standing over her coffin. Actually, tonight I have to attend a viewing for a friend of the family who's mother died this week. My life never quits giving me hell.
My dad and I look at each other and we no longer understand. The gap between us is so wide that it cannot be bridged, no matter how much we try. We will die never understanding what has happened with that.
Louie returned to the East Coast, and I miss him dearly. I know now that one person understands in my family, but I will never have the time to talk to him, and he can never again be here like he was this vacation.
I lived to Christmas, that is good I suppose.
Ben still thinks I'm a whore and I don't really care. I am a fucking whore.
Alex and I will never be close, and Dominic now knows I am insane.
Ian, my best-friend and my rock, has slipped away slightly. It will never be as it was. I am scared to tell him that I am worse than before because I fear the pain it will cause him.
Tears come only when I allow them to, and they fall from my face now. I am terrified of everything and still am not happy.
Matt described himself as "empty and scared" last night, and I knew once and for all that I have destroyed him. Like the dust I crush underfoot, he has been injured by my actions as well. I cannot move, cannot breath for fear of hurting someone else.
The fuzz is dissappearing, I am now able to focus a lot more clearly, which has turned out to be worse than the fuzz. Before I did not have to think, and now I face everything. When I do get the fuzz it is amazingly unbearable and actually causes me to do dangerous things, such as forget the last ten minutes, or brake to a stop when the traffic light is green.
Love is something I cannot feel, there is only lust and hatred. I desire death more than ever, but now realize that is not a choice for me. I cannot do this, but I will.
My mirror has fallen again, and it is shattered worse than before.
posted by Nat Rivera at 5:14 PM
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